"The brave may not live forever...
but the cautious do not live at all."

This may sound utterly stupid, in which case it actually is, but I have this feeling inside of me that I'm going to get high before this summer's over... and it hasn't even started. It's that whole Devil/Angel concept, you know? I've got Anthony (devil) on one shoulder, poking at my ear whispering "take 'em! smoke it! drink it!" and on the other side is sweet, yet totally perverted, Jack (angel) who's mumbling "don't do it, just... don't."

You see, it all started when Anthony got high last weekend at our friends' party. At first, we were just hanging out on the couch with some other friends and I didn't even notice he was kind of faltering. After all, I didn't see him swallow anything... pill-like? Plus, since Jr. High, he's pretty much sworn off drugs. (Long story short, he got caught - life got screwed - and he dropped it altogether)

But then he started wobbling, he couldn't stand, and he was falling asleep. Now, for Anthony - especially at a party - that's insane! It's just simply not him. And then yesterday, I saw him at school when we were picking up our caps and gowns. He was sliding down a wall with his head tilted sideways, heading for the pick-up consession. I knew he was blazed immediately.

Lately, he's been doing that a lot. Four times in the last week, and for him, after everything that's happened in his life, it's completely uncalled for. I took him home today because he was stoned and I didn't want him driving...

"How many did you take?"
"Where are you taking me?"
"Let me worry 'bout that..." I stopped, and remember looking over at him, his eyes rolled back in his head. It was a terrible sight. "...Why?"
"'Cause I fucking hate my life, and it... shit happens, D. Learn to let..."

And that's when he passed out. I know what you're thinking. How could this situation make me miss getting smashed? Him, being all blazed and fucked out of his mind - that had nothing to do with the sensation, the feeling. You see, he just merely reminded me what I had and didn't have. He brought why I use to get high from the back of my mind to the front.

The only thing stopping me is Jack. I've been talking to him more lately and he's really what keeps me in check. Poor fool doesn't even know it :) He's a good kid, for the most part. Sure he's been suspended, beat up a few kids, gotten in more trouble then you'd expect, etc. But he's a good kid. He has his moments, but getting smoked with Xanex is definitely not one of them.

I keep thinking... what if something happened to me? What if I couldn't control it and... blahblahblah. I constantly am wondering what would he think if he found out I got together with Anthony and his "supplier", Dion, to pop a few pills? Maybe he wouldn't care...? But I'm 99.999% positive he wouldn't be satisfied. With my fantastic luck he'd stop talking to me completely. I don't know what I'd do.

Fuck.

D

Labels: Anthony, Dion, Jack