"It's age old reason...
love's the only one holding back."

I feel so stupid. So utterly, repulsively stupid. I think, given the right cirumstances, I would be in love with Thomas. I think, in reality, I am in love with Thomas.

But it's just not... he's just not... I'm not ready... he's... He's not Anthony. And the moreso I think that's the reason I don't want to be with him is because he isn't Anthony, the moreso I realize I've been using that as an excuse.

I'm not moving in on Thomas because he isn't... isn't what? I'm not too sure. But I do know what he is and he is... just not right for me.

He's desperate. That seems to happen to me a lot lately. Desperate boys attacking me like pirranhas. It's awful really, and yet I can't seem to shake him. He's such a wonderful person and he tries so hard; even though he damn sure knows I'm half-way-to-partially being in love with Shane. And Jack. And Anthony.

It's like an endless circle and I can't seem to escape.

He's a good guy, and he makes me laugh--Thomas, I mean. Yet, he is everything I don't want. He's clingy, and nobody likes clingy. He's needy, and again, no thank you. He's overbearing, and did I mention clingy? That really pisses me off.

But enough with him, because I know what I'm doing now, and it doesn't involve him. I want to be his friend and only his friend. Too much more would cause drama and pain I don't need to be bothered with.

Now onto worse problems. Well, I'm in CA now, sitting in the guest room of Shane's albeit gorgeous apartment townhouse. It's absolutely... small. But so perfect for me. I love it out here. But let's rewind.

I got airplane tickets for Friday night. And Wednesday night Serena and Bailey threw me a going away party (even if I'm only going to be gone two weeks). Attendees of the bash? Anthony, of course. Does that boy not going anywhere without alcohol? And then there was Jack.

Anthony got, of course, busted off his ass drunk and popped enough prescription meds to shit out his own Drug Mart. He made pass after pass at me and offered me quote-unquote "the world." He, get this, told me he loved me. Kissed me senseless. And then passed out on his face. But prior, barfed his guts out on my bathroom floor. What a lovely individual, wouldn't you say?

I hate him. I really do. He's everything I use to want. Everything I use to love. And now? Now he's nothing but a memory and something nice to look at. Fuck him. Just... just.. Fuck HIM.

Jack, well, handsome Jack followed me to the airport. Friday night. There he was, sitting in the terminal like a scene out of one of those retarded love movies. He stood there and he called my name. And I was stupid enough to walk over to him.

He apparently just wanted to say good-bye. Literally. That's all that happened.

But that's how Jack is. That's how he has always been. He's unpredictable, personable, yet totally unreadable. Maybe that's why I'm so attracted to him...

Either way, I'm in Calin now. Not for long, but long enough. And when I get back, things will have to be dealt with. Am I staying, am I moving? Boys. Boys. BOYS.

My head hurts. It's late. Goodnight.

Labels: Anthony, Jack, Shane, Thomas

"Don't let the fear of striking out

keep you from playing the game..."



I should have known it was coming. My life has never, ever been as unpredictable as it has recently. Yet, I want to kick myself for not noticing; it's so... obvious. Right when I've finally got a plan, a thesis for my future, something always comes in and ruins my intentions, however good and un-rebellious they are.

Shane hasn't been much help lately, and in the past few months he's become my confident. But with the side note of his father's death on top of his back to back flights to and from California, he's sort of a lost cause right now. While I want to help him, comfort him in anyway I can, it's hard when he's in Florida, then California, then Florida--and I'm still stuck in NY for a few more weeks.


Like I said, once I've got everything decided, something (or in this case, two somethings) intercepts my otherwise great intentions.


Jack, who I haven't spoken to for quite some time, has taken it upon himself to persuade me not to leave. According to me, we have unfinished business. I, however, was not aware. I thought I had tied up my loose ends, but apparently he slipped through the loop.


"I heard you were leaving."

"I'm graduating early; it's for the best. I don't belong here," I answered.

"What are you running from?"

"Who says I'm running?"

He asked me to have coffee with him, and stupidly, I agreed. It's not that I still don't love him, because in all honesty, much like Anthony, I think I will always love him. He's simply that one boy I won't ever forget, no matter the lengths I should take to try and erase him from my memory.


"I hate to ruin the moment--you know, with you excitement about leaving and all--but you're the one person that makes this place worth coming to," he commented offhandedly.
"I couldn't even begin to understand why."
"I figured you'd say that."


Coffee with Jack reminded me of why I love him. Aside from stunning good-looks and irreplacable chivalry, he's easy to talk to and so utterly relatable. In my four-ish years of knowing him, we've never really gotten to know each other; at least not on a level that counts for anything besides sexual. Perhaps it's his upbringing, though I know deep down it's a sign that if I were to stay, something special could come of that, of him.
Now, I know you're going to assume that I am making a big deal out of nothing, but understand this is just the jist. It isn't everything. If I were to write everything in the specific detail to which it occured, you'd either immediately know who I am, or call the police.

Moving on from Jack, I'd like to state that I haven't spoken to or seen Anthony in at least a month. While I know he's wandering around campus, as Holly has pointedly told me she's given him "rides," I personally find it ridiculous to circle myself again. I'm done with him. I'll say it again.

With Shane, Jack, Anthony, and all of the others combined, wouldn't you love it if I added another into the mix? It's techincally not adding as I've skimmingly mentioned him before.

Thomas, the boy who I completely demolished. For a month, maybe two, we were talking, rather frequently. And I for one was enjoying it. But me, I've always overanalyzed the situation and ruined it with my high standards.

Since I can remember, I've always compared boys to Anthony. They're too corny. They're not as tall, not as muscular. They don't dress like he does. They don't have the money he does. They don't smell like he does, or come on to me like he did. But most of all, they aren't him. They look nothing like him; act nothing like him. And while I know that is absolutely no way to go about anything, especially considering how he treated me, I can't help but do it still to this day. Though the mere fact that I am trying to find a substitute for him should be the least of my worries, I'll never get over the fact that I didn't get him. I think since he turned me down, I've been trying to figure out why.

Somewhere inside, I'm almost sure it's because he isn't the type of guy ready for any sort of relationship other than a one-night-stand. Too bad I can't get that through my thick head.

You'd think I'd be satisfied with having a guy who cared enough about me to call me every night and wish me a good night. Yet, barely a month into it, I was skeptical as always, and began ignoring Thomas' calls. Finally, he got the hint and stopped calling. We barely talked in class, and I ignored him any way I could.

Awkward situations have never been my forte. Not in the slightest.

But now, as of recently, I've climbed the bridge over the awkwardness, and finding that ignoring his calls is one of my biggest mistakes. Though I could give it up to the fact that all of my friends have boyfriends who they so courteously flaunt in my face, and that I want ever so badly to finally have that one guy I can maintain a steady commitment with, I wonder if it's because I really, truely, like him.

Not in the way I like Jack. Or the way I was overwhelminly physically attracted to Anthony. But maybe in a way on a deeper level.

Thomas... is average. In looks. In intelligence. In style. He's basic. But withstanding. And constant. But maybe that's what I need. Maybe, I should settle. Settle for what I can manage. Stop using Anthony as a model for the perfect man, because he is not, by any means, the kind of guy I wish upon any girl.

Except, don't they tell you never settle for the least? Then wouldn't I be doing just that? I guess the real question is, do the pros out weigh the cons?

I know for a fact that if I tried hard enough, I could get back in Thomas' good graces. However, I don't deserve him, not after what I did to him. I know how much he liked me, and I twisted that back and through it at him. After I repeatedly told him I wouldn't. He remembers every detail of our short-term "relationship." The courteous courting dates. The tedious phone calls. The infinite texts begging him to come over and comfort me over a bad day. And even the aftermath, when I'd run into him at school events and he'd completely unawkwardly strike up a conversation with me while I cowered away.

That was a year ago.
And he still remembers.

I'm leaving in a couple of weeks. For good. And Thomas will be nothing but a forgotten memory of a guy I shouldacouldawoulda. Then again, do I have to leave? Internally, I'm chanting yes, but is it really for the best?

Who's to say.



Des

Labels: Anthony, Jack, Shane, Thomas

"Fate determines who enters your life.
Your actions decide who stays..."

March 6th, 2009. My last day of high school.

Lately, I've been having a lot of second guesses. Should I graduate early? I'm only a Junior. Am I even ready to experience the world on my own? Do I want to move out to California with Shane? Can I leave my friends, my family? Is... it... worth... it?

Yes. Yes. I think so. And I hope so.

Everything's finalized--the documents are written up, the lines ready to be signed. All I have to do is take a few exams and I'm done. Done with the beginning of my life. And I haven't even turned seventeen yet! It's scary. I'm scared. But I think I'm ready.

I talked to Shane last night, for the first time in a long time. He didn't have power for the first few nights in CA, and his phone was officially turned on until a couple of days ago. On top of that, he had to et a new cell number to match the Cali area code. Bottom line is, we came to the mutual decision that it would be best if I came out for a few days to see if I liked it. And from there, I'd decide.

I know what will happen though. I really like Shane. Maybe just as a friend, maybe not. But either way, I need to figure out if I can survive by myself without Mommy & Daddy's money. I want to know for sure that I can live on my own, even if I won't really be on my own, I'll still be as far away from everything I know and have grown up with. I want to do this. I need to do this.

That's what I keep telling myself.

Lately, though, to distract myself from the nauseous thoughts of my future, I've been reminiscing the last sixteen years of my life. Or at least the good parts. Reminding myself what I'll miss, what I want to leave, and things I'll never forget. Especially people I won't forget.

Anthony- I'm not going to lie, I'm gonna miss the cracked up son-of-a-bitch. I hope he's happy though. I want him to be happy. I hope him and his girlfriend are happy. But most of all, I hope he fixes himself up; patches up his holes and weathered edges. He deserves to be happy, I think. I'm probably the only one that knows is back story, aside from his good guy friends. And I like to think that he's going to get better. He'll graduate next year, and my biggest fear is that I'll see his name in the obituaries. I think, however, I'm finally at a point where I can honestly say I wouldn't be as sad as I would have been eight months ago. If that makes any sense...

Ryan- Wherever he is, whatever he's doing, whoever he's with; I hope he's okay. It scary knowing that I don't know. He'll be alright, I know him. He's, if anything, a survivor. And he too deserves the best. I haven't heard any news about him lately, as I haven't talked to my mother in weeks. When I went to visit him at the hospital a few days after my relapse, he was gone. And as I am not family, it would be just simply fucking stupid to divulge any information to me. I just hope he's cleaned up his act since the last time I saw him. It would break my heart if he... we won't go there.

Serena/Holly/Bailey- Maybe they'll realize drama isn't going to do anything and rumors will only destroy the little they have left. Ha. I don't plan on keeping in touch as much as I should. I'll still talk to them, but well, I just don't care anymore.

Jack- Who is still a mystery to me, will probably forever plague my mind. It's he who always seems to come back right when I think he won't.

"I'm not gonna lie, I'mma miss you, D."
"Hey, we'll keep in touch. Text me. Maybe you can come visit." Lies. Lies. Lies.
"I feel like we never really got the chance we should have gotten."
"I guess so. It wouldn't have worked out though, Jack."
He winked, grinning slyly. "You never know..."

I can't say where it will go with him.

As for new boys, and new drama. There isn't much. There's Ben, whom I love. He's hilarous and adorable, and undoubtedly crazy. I like that he makes me laugh without trying. But I'm leaving, he's staying, and that's that.

Until... sometime.

Desiree

Labels: Anthony, Bailey, Ben, Holly, Jack, Ryan, Serena, Shane

"A downhill spiral is what cause the Great Depression..."


As always, life isn't going my way. Recently, my friends have all taken up with their boyfriends or new best friends. And me? Well, I've been neglected, I suppose.

Though part of it is my fault; I've been sheltering myself away from any outing for reasons I don't even understand. I'm trying really hard at well, life. I've been working my ass off to get my grades to my liking and still graduate with honors.

But, with fucking Anthony only feet from my bed, it's hard to sleep. And without sleep, well, there is no functioning, right?

Ah, Anthony. He's been... a totally asshole as usual, though I still seem a tad bit fixated on me. However, I'm in a mental version of Anthony-rehab, and I'm making the attempt to get over what ever it is I think he means to me. There really is no use to discuss anything further involving him, like his new (though not all that new) girlfriend, his pending fight with the guy who told his partially new girlfriend that he cheated on her (which he did, obviously), or his adamant insults on my part.

On the other hand, there's Jack. Me and him? Yeah, we haven't talked since Homecoming night, and shockingly, I'm happy about that. Turns out, he isn't what I thought he was. He's about as innocent as I am, though minus the addicting past. Still wouldn't mind talking to him again... But I'm moving on.

New guys? Oh yes, of course. Two, particularly. One named Shane, the other named... Shane. Though for all intended purposes of unconfusing you to be exact, one will be called Logan.

Shane? Shane is the exact opposite of Anthony. He's polite, his mouth vomits "ma'am" and "sir," and he talks to me like a normal guy, which for me, is hard to come by. He's older, a senior and graduating in the so distant future. Though I have class with him and sometimes hang out with him after. I like being with him. But I know I don't stand a chance. Bringing myself to consciously flirt with him would be purposely burying myself in a hole. He's Anthony's sworn enemy, and while that doesn't seem to matter as much anymore, he's moving. To California no less. Across the fucking country. Just my luck, you know.

Now Logan, he... is absolutely nothing when it comes to future. He's just a kid who likes me and I'm just a girl who likes... testosterone. He's -- different, if that does any justice. Not weird or eerie, but just different from the rest of the assembly line jackasses boarding school produces. Though whatever I do, I am conscious in not doing anything. If that makes any sense.

As for me, well, all of this jumble that you've wasted a life time reading, only adds up to my decision to graduate early and get the HELL out of here. Nothing is going right for me, and I don't expect the tables to turn.

No drugs? Yes, I've abandoned it completely, though fighting the itch is harder than I thought...
No cutting? On occasion, but moderation isn't the worse right?
Alcohol? Oh me? Well, you know... can't give up everything.
Boys? Eliminating them from my life completely.
Girls? Bitches. That's what it comes down to.

I'm devoting my life to school because education is the only thing I have going for me. I've gotten a scholarship offer to a school I actually want to go to. Berkeley. My mother would be proud: if I told her. And, on top of that, Shane and I have already decided that if I go early, and he's already left for the big So-Cal, I'll hit him up and we'll get together, talk things through. I've heard from a friend (you know the line), and his original intentions when giving me his number was to have a future plan for residency. Meaning, in literal terms average people without manners speak, he wants to get an apartment with me.

Things will only get better from now on, that's what I want to focus on. If I hit the books like I plan on, and ace all of my semester exams, I'll graduate before this years even over, and I won't even have finished my junior year.

Let's just hope it works out.
You know it won't. It's me, let's be real.

Labels: Anthony, Jack, Logan, Shane

"You'll do anything to escape the habit of living...
until the escape becomes the habit..."

It all started in seventh grade when I caught my father banging the seventeen-year-old neighbor girl I looked up to as a role model. A series of events before and after that occurence left me in the hospital for attempted suicide by slitting my wrists with a pair of dull children's scissors.

I cut my wrists for a year after that until my mother sent me to a rehab facility. I was thirteen.

I came out refreshed, with only the scars as the reminder. But, a couple of months later, my mother informed me I would not be attending our local high school. Instead, I would attend a bording school where I could escape the drama my family life had become. Her and I both knew it was for the best, though I still left with resentment. Yet, weeks into my freshman year away from home, I came to love my new habitat. It was everything my home life wasn't. Well, until I started running into familiar faces. Anthony, for one. Bailey another.

I'd been good since then and I hadn't thought once about slitting my wrists. Until tonight.

It started this morning when I woke up in the arms of (but of course) Jack. Contrary to popular belief, we have not had sex. He simply fills a void I only recently realized I had. He spends the night quite frequently, and we occasionally kiss. We've started a pattern. Though our pattern is quite sinful.

He's "talking" to Serena. By that I mean not techincally dating because she is working her way into another man's heart, but they flirt in that unrespectable I-want-you banter. More than I do. He also, above all, has a girlfriend in the school slut. Irony's a bitch.

As he was leaving my dorm, his top shirt slung over his shoulder, he turned around at the door and kissed my cheek. It was a sign of affection I wished he hadn't have shown. Nonetheless, I smiled up at him and shut the door as he walked away. Nearly seconds later, the door flung open and I smirked.

"Forget something?" I asked, my back turned.
"Fucking hell, Des, what was Jack doing in your Dorm looking like he just screwed a girl!?"

Anthony. What else? I stood up, shocked, and tried to act like it was nothing. We were simply friends, with benefits, much like Anthony and I. That's what I told him, but of course, he didn't take to that all too well.

"You have no fucking respect for me." he yelled, his hands balled.
"Why the HELL would I respect you?"

Now this is where I become a whore. I spent the night in one boy's arms (we still didn't have sex) and I found myself, an hour later, in the arms of another. He wrapped his arms around my naked front and I felt dirty. Like Jenna Jameson or something.

Unfortunately, that's not the bad part.

"I think I love you, Desi."

I turned around to look at him, so utterly appalled it should have been illegal. That's when I realized it. In the early afternoon's sunshine, the rays coming in from my side window, his eyes sparkled a dark brown and his pupils where the size of the tip of a needle. It suddenly it him.

He was high.

I pushed him out of my bed like he was light as a pillow and he fell with a thud. I yelled at him, slapped him across the face a couple of times and told him to get out, that I never wanted to see him again. Though part of me thinking this was a sick joke Matt concoted. My heart, however, sang to the tune of "Drunken minds speak sober thoughts."

As soon as he came, he too, was gone. I fell asleep minutes after I heard the door slam shut, sucked into a world of happiness that awaited me in my dreams. When I woke up, around 6:30, I got a call from Ryan's mother. A call I could have lived without.

"He's in the hospital, Desiree. Three gunshot wounds to the chest."

Her words were slurred, whether literally or in my barely comprehending mind, I do not know. Though I broke down in tears and heard her utter simple words.

"Don't leave school though, dear. The doctor's say it's fifty-fifty and if he dies, I don't want you to have to drive back to school in the condition you will be in."

Selfless. Lifeless. Cruel. Fucking. Cunt-ass. Bitch.
That's what I thought as I slammed the phone against the wall, hoping it'd disconnect, or if luck have it, break her face in two.

I debated for the next two hours whether or not I should go, despite his mother's advice. It was almost nine when I realized I hadn't eaten all day and should have something -- if even a glass of water -- before I would ultimately pack my bags and leave.

After a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I decided coffee would be a good idea for the long drive ahead of me. I pulled out the container of coffee grains and I noticed it was a new one. Instead of the plastic cylinder holding the ungrinded beans, I found a metal can containing already grained. I ignored the subtle sign I'd only later actually think of as a real sign and slipped my hand in to scoop some out. As I pulled it out in a rushed and frantic surge, I slit my wrists on the edge.

That's when euphoria overcame me.

I ran to the bathroom with a kitchen steak knife and horizontally cut two individual lines on both my left and right. Now, I sit in my room, nowhere close to where I should be with Ryan, relinquising in the last minutes of my Addernol high, bandages wrapped around my wrists.

Don't you wish I was making this up?
Fucking hell.

Labels: Anthony, Jack, Matt, Ryan, Serena

"it's funny how things change...

in the blink of an eye, everything's different..."


I can't even begin to explain what has been going on for the last four months, but as usual, I'll try to get the main point across.

Let's first and foremost get one thing straight: I lied when I insinuated I was a senior. I felt that having the knowledge I was merely a sophmore would give you the wrong idea, though apart from that, every word I typed was true. Every. Single. Word.

I am, though in fact, a compulsive liar and do make up more things than are true, but here in the world of divulgAnce, I have decided (aside from the age conspiracy) I will be completely honest.

And in all honesty, I am going to make an attempt at describing the epic adventures of my life -- even if it takes two posts.

After my superstitons post, things were rather quiet for a while. Anthony was in another state. Ryan had seemingly fallen off the face of the Earth. Bailey found a new... dissappointing boyfriend named Aiden, leaving Serena and I in the cold.

But as the beginning of August soon approached and Junior year was looking closer and closer by each day, we had to have one final blow out. Our town has a huge festival to kick off the beginnng of "Back-to-School" month, and Serena and I decided to go against our better judgement and be in attendance. Bailey went too, but of course, she was with Aiden and his/her new friends.

While we were divulging in the glories of cotton candy and funnel cakes, I received a call from none other than the magnificent dissappearing Ryan. I will not lie when I say my heart stopped, seeing his name appear on my caller-ID. In a way, part of me felt sick. It was loud at the festival, and whatever he said, I couldn't hear him. I shouted for him to call me back, and talk to me when I could hear him -- but of course I don't know his response. I haven't heard much out of him since.

On the walk home, we ran into an old Jr. High friend whose name is pointless. The only thing you need to know is she dated Anthony's friend, Chris, and had built a somewhat sturdy relationship with Anthony himself. She was quick to inform us that he was coming back. Back to bording school. Back to... everything.

That was the second time I felt sick that day.

Sometime before school started again, Serena and I were driving back from the city when I got a rather informal text reading, "Are you havin' 'ya girls over tonight?"

Now, a few days prior I had lost my cell phone and gotten a new one, but in the process all of my numbers were deleted, including his. I will honestly say I do not, to this day, have his number memorized, but I do know the first three digits. And upon seeing those three digits, I launched for Serena's phone and looked up his number. Sure enough, jackass was back in town and instead of a proper greeting, he was already asking for much more than he deserved.

I turned him down, though while ignoring his advances, still making my own attempt to be his friend. I fucking can't help myself and it makes me sick.

Today we moved into the co-ed dorms. Guess who's ironically two doors down? Anthony. The asshole himself. And on top of that, I miss Jack, even though I know I need him like I need another hole in the heart. When did my life go from finally serene to whorey and schooled all in one week?

I want to die.

Labels: Aiden, Anthony, Bailey, Chris, Ryan, Serena

"When you believe things you don't understand...
you suffer... very superstitious..."

I'm not superstitious, I am simply just... "stitious." I believe that there are those few people out there with the power to read your mind, or psychically connect to future. But I most positively do NOT believe in those silly, childish bulletins people post on Myspace. I'm talking about the ones that say "OMFG U R SO TOTALLY NOT GUNA BLEAVE WHT THIS DOES ITZZ LYKK FUCKIN CRAZY CHINESE HOROSCOPE OMG U HAVE 2 TRY IT!!!!!!!!!!!"

To me, that's complete bullshit. So, what led me to open one earlier tonight is beyond me. Usually, those are the things that make me close the window and back away from the computer. But this stuck to me. I opened it, and embarassingly enough - completed the questions. Mind you, before answering some of the questions - I second guessed. Instead of filling in "Lollipop" for number eleven I opted for "Brand New." For eight, I decided on "Bye, Bye" instead of "Viva la Vida." That's maybe what scares me the most.

Next to numbers 1 & 2 write down any two numbers you want.
1. 4
2. 211
Next to 3 & 7, write down 2 members of the opposite sex.
3. Anthony
7. Jack
Next to 4, 5, & 6 - write down any 3 people's names.
4. Mom
5. My nephew, Michael
6. My cousin, Isabella
For 8, 9, 10, & 11, write down 4 song titles.
8. Bye, Bye
9. Leavin'
10. Get Silly
11. Brand New

#2 is the number of people that like you.
#3 is the person you love.
#7 is the person you like but your relationship cannot work.
#4 is the person you care most about.
#5 is a person who knows you very well.
#6 is your lucky star.
#8 song title matches with the person in #3.
#9 song title is for the person in #7.
#10 song title tells you most about your mind.
#11 song title tells you how you feel about life.


You don't know me, and we both know that. But from what you do know, tell me that isn't the strangest thing that could ever happen? Everything I've been feeling, the mixed conceptions with boys, my family life, the problems I've been having with addiction, and so on... I feel like it's been answered..? Don't worry though I don't plan on letting this sill bulletin get to my mind. It's not going to stop me from doing anyhting, but it will, if anything confuse me more.

Once again, fuck my life.

Labels: Anthony, Jack

"Stop worrying about what might hold you down,
and pay attention to why you're standing up..."

Anthony and I have decided to end our so-called friendship. It's really not worth trying anymore. I've come to the decision that I need to be finished with him. While the best decision would be to forget his rotten, conceited ass all together, I know that's impossible. He's too much of a part of me to be forgotten.

But it's foolish of me to sit here thinking, "I could have a chance..." because I know that I don't. You have to understand that I'm the kind of girl that will pick a guy she likes out and have him by the end of the night. Not by looks, or by slutty-ness, but simply by personality.

With Anthony, though, it's different. He's head-over-heels in love with Madeline and she's nothing I could ever compete with. With any other guy, I could probably win, but with him... it's different. There is no competition or try your hardest. He knows what he wants, much like I do, and he knows how to get it. I'm happy he's happy, and there's nothing else to it.

Jack, on the other hand, I know I could get if I tried hard enough. I know he likes me, whether or not he'd come out and say it. He's a flirt. He's a player. He's adorably amazing. The only problem is, he's too perfect. Tell me honestly, how stupid does that sound?

He barely ever utters a single profanity. The only thing he drinks is water, and maybe an occasional Coke. He doesn't smoke anything short of dust from his four-wheeler. He's everything I'm not, and maybe everything I need...

There's a party Friday night that I hope to see him at. I want to try to make it work with him. Or at least start talking to him again. It's weird not seeing him and knowing that I probably won't see him again until next summer, assuming we aren't going to the same college, I need to be able to talk with him whenever I want. I miss him.

But, jumping far ahead of myself, I keep wondering what if something did happen? Would it even be possible for me to maintain something with him? Better question yet, is it even possible to begin with? I'm sure he's heard rumors, true or not, about my past - especially that last corrupted month.... would he even want to bother? Who cares if he likes me...

Fuck my life.
Maybe I should stop second-guessing myself for once in my life and let whatever is going to happen simply just happen.

Yeah, easier said than done.

Labels: Anthony, Jack, Madeline

"It's not a mistake...
'til someone gets killed."

I really can't say why I did it.

The best way I can explain it... is like having an itch on your nose while baking. Your hands are covered in flour and you know that once your scratch that itch, there will be flour on your nose. So you try to control yourself - try not to scratch it - but the urge, the itch, it's too strong, you know? And you give in, covering your nose with flour.

That's how I've been feeling. I've had this itch to get high. A sudden, repulsive urging itch that was just begging to be scratched. And last night... I gave in.

I went to a before-your-last-exams party and took more prescription pills than anyone should ever even be prescribed. Connor says I took 5 Xanex and 3 Adderall. I'm sure he's right, but the thing is - that was just at the party. I don't even remember being in a car that entire night, until we left the party, so I had to have been completely stoned on the way there.

It wouldn't have been a biggie, except on the way home, I got a ride with Anthony's friend, James. James just so happens to not have his license, and he was packing daddy's brand new Lexus. He was going 75 in our neighborhood and just so happened to slam full force into a tree. I was in the back with Bailey, but Anthony was in the front. He didn't get crazy hurt, but he did sprain his ankle.

Bailey, Anthony, and I booked out of the car. Caught ridin' with a kid who doesn't have his license and who also mistook a tree for who the hell knows what isn't exactly sparkling on your record. So we bailed.

We ended up at Anthony's house, and I woke up the next morning with my only memory being the accident an Anthony running from the car on one leg.

I might've wiped the flour off with a cold towel, but I keep thinking what if Anthony would've gotten really hurt? Or James had hit someone instead of just a tree? I think that's gonna be my last big take, I've gotta call it quits before someone does get hurt, or even killed. You know what they say if you keep pushing your limits... right?

I don't want that to happen.
I can't let that happen...

D

Labels: Anthony, Bailey, James

"She's a free spirit...
& sometimes she needs to miss behave."

Well, our last day of high school was yesterday. Formally, anyway. It doesn't seem like it's over. In a few weeks, I'll be getting my stuff together for college (shockingly, I'm going...). It's all so surreal, though. Plus, the things that went on not being school related, or in anyway educational, seem to make it all the more unbelievable.

I had another post that was a continuation of the last post which I wanted to get out ASAP. But none of what I have to say in that blog will compare to what I have to tell you in this post. :)

After school, Bailey, Serena, and I went out to lunch and then finished packing up our shit. On the drive home, I texted Anthony to see if he was busy tonight. Because in case you forgot, we had planned another outrageous informal "you-have-to-whisper-to-stay-in" party. Now, understand Anthony is the kind of person who let's girls get to him emotionally. And lately, he's been oddly hung up on one particular girl. Her names Madeline, if that even matters...

Anyway, apparently Anthony and Madeline got into another fight (something they do strategically often). He was extremely bothered, and at first didn't text me back. So, I continued to pester him, like poking at an open sore. Until, he bled. He went off on me and I ended up telling him off. Probably not the best idea, but at the time, it was the best decision.

"I don't need this now, Des."
"Do you think I give of shit, Anthony? Because I don't. If you could pull your head out of Madeline's ass for just one minutes - I could tell you that I have a temporary solution to your problem..."
"Yah? What would that be?"
"Yeah, 'cause we really want to screw around with someone who'll scream Madeline the whole time. Text me when you're in a better mood."

Not exact, but close enough. Bottom line is, Anthony's distress caused us to have no plans. But, as always, we found a way out of that.

Serena had been sorta-almost-kinda talking to Derek, whom while he has an outstanding body, seems to lack in the sexy-as-hell department. We manipulated things around a little bit, much to Serena's knowledge and ended up sneaking out with Derek and his best friend, Matt.

...We rented a room at a hotel twenty minutes out of our small town and that's when it all started. At first, nothing excited happened. Matt was wasted and Derek was possibly as well. Bailey and I took it upon ourselves to take Matt and give Derek and Serena there privacy.

We walked him into the bathroom and locked the door. When we walked out to check on the prosperity of anything between Derek and Serena, Matt had two humongous hickeys and both Bailey and I had multiple. I won't go into the sexual details, but a lot went on in that bathroom. Though, I will assure you absolutely nothing lesbian took place. Ha ha

After leaving the prosperous bathroom with Matt who had both given and gotten, we were met with Serena and Derek - neither of which had been given anything. I had promised Derek he would get something. Sex, a hand job, even a little awkward groping... anything! And yet, all he had gotten was a few kisses and nothing.

Half drunk ourselves, Bailey and I took Derek under our arms (or legs for that matter) and replaced Matt. Things got crazy, and Matt persisted that we needed to get back to town, before anyone noticed we were gone...

The night ended with Matt and Derek driving away, and us being afraid they would get killed or pulled over by the police. I'm not going to lie, it was definitely a freaky night (in a dirty way, for sure). But I have one major problem...

They're all friends with Spencer, Anthony, and Connor.

Labels: Anthony, Bailey, Connor, Derek, Madeline, Serena, Spencer

"The brave may not live forever...
but the cautious do not live at all."

This may sound utterly stupid, in which case it actually is, but I have this feeling inside of me that I'm going to get high before this summer's over... and it hasn't even started. It's that whole Devil/Angel concept, you know? I've got Anthony (devil) on one shoulder, poking at my ear whispering "take 'em! smoke it! drink it!" and on the other side is sweet, yet totally perverted, Jack (angel) who's mumbling "don't do it, just... don't."

You see, it all started when Anthony got high last weekend at our friends' party. At first, we were just hanging out on the couch with some other friends and I didn't even notice he was kind of faltering. After all, I didn't see him swallow anything... pill-like? Plus, since Jr. High, he's pretty much sworn off drugs. (Long story short, he got caught - life got screwed - and he dropped it altogether)

But then he started wobbling, he couldn't stand, and he was falling asleep. Now, for Anthony - especially at a party - that's insane! It's just simply not him. And then yesterday, I saw him at school when we were picking up our caps and gowns. He was sliding down a wall with his head tilted sideways, heading for the pick-up consession. I knew he was blazed immediately.

Lately, he's been doing that a lot. Four times in the last week, and for him, after everything that's happened in his life, it's completely uncalled for. I took him home today because he was stoned and I didn't want him driving...

"How many did you take?"
"Where are you taking me?"
"Let me worry 'bout that..." I stopped, and remember looking over at him, his eyes rolled back in his head. It was a terrible sight. "...Why?"
"'Cause I fucking hate my life, and it... shit happens, D. Learn to let..."

And that's when he passed out. I know what you're thinking. How could this situation make me miss getting smashed? Him, being all blazed and fucked out of his mind - that had nothing to do with the sensation, the feeling. You see, he just merely reminded me what I had and didn't have. He brought why I use to get high from the back of my mind to the front.

The only thing stopping me is Jack. I've been talking to him more lately and he's really what keeps me in check. Poor fool doesn't even know it :) He's a good kid, for the most part. Sure he's been suspended, beat up a few kids, gotten in more trouble then you'd expect, etc. But he's a good kid. He has his moments, but getting smoked with Xanex is definitely not one of them.

I keep thinking... what if something happened to me? What if I couldn't control it and... blahblahblah. I constantly am wondering what would he think if he found out I got together with Anthony and his "supplier", Dion, to pop a few pills? Maybe he wouldn't care...? But I'm 99.999% positive he wouldn't be satisfied. With my fantastic luck he'd stop talking to me completely. I don't know what I'd do.

Fuck.

D

Labels: Anthony, Dion, Jack

"I'm a firm believer that sometimes...
it's right to do the wrong things."

I really don't know what, or rather how, I'm going to explain this to the effect that it will be understandable by people who read this. So, I'm going to start out by telling you that this blog scares the shit out of me. It makes me feel better - letting the truth, the feelings, the honesty come out - but I know (because Life loves to screw the hell out of me) one of these days someone I know that has it out for me will find it, realize it's me, and fuck my life up more than it already is.

But who cares about that? I have shit to say, and I'd like it if you listened.

They're pushing STD/pregnancy prevention at school this week and next. It's all about abstinence and not giving up your 'gift' of virginity. It's a great idea when you think about it, sitting in a health class with a woman teaching you about the consequences of sex and relationships. But when your pinned to a bed with a sexy boy roaming over you, it's utterly impossible to say 'no.' She said you shouldn't put yourself into positions like that... but honestly. It's high school and sex happens. But whether or not that's true, it didn't stop her from making me feel horrible about the things I've done.

The post before this - the Friday night sleepover? - well, that obviously wasn't the first time we've done crazy stuff like that. It was... well, it was actually the third. Summer's coming up, June 4th being our last day at school. Bailey, Serena, and I are driving back that night and we'll be home by the 5th. By then, we've got another wonderful event planned only we're facing the technicalities of parents. I guess that just means we'll be sneaking boys into my house. That's always great...

My only problem with these little orgy-like party-things is that no matter who I'm with... I can't really trust them. Except for Anthony. He did a rather fantastic job at keeping our hook-up on the down low. Sure he told his best friends... but then again, who doesn't? He isn't like Spencer; whom I equate to being a lesser version of Anthony himself.

No, Spencer told everyone. Everyone. Which isn't that much of a big deal: it makes boys envious and girls want to kill me. But you see, I don't want to be a whore. I don't want people to know about my personal life. It's none of their damn business! ...Right? Well, at least I think so.

Bailey and Connor broke up some time back, so no matter how this party turns out, it's going to be awkward. Bailey, who's practicing a 21st century form of abstinence (meaning anything but actual SEX-sex, she'll do) actually said she might be okay with hooking-up with him.

Last time just worked out sensually, and to be honest, I doubt it will ever happen like that again. You never know though, I guess.

Anthony wants me. Maybe not the way I want him to, but he does. Twice this week he begged me for things my mother would never even want to hear about. Ever. I didn't give in though. Someday, I will (not that I already haven't). But for right now, I want to be his friend, not his fuck-buddy.

I really am in over my head. That's fucking fantastic.

<3 D

Labels: Anthony, Bailey, Connor, Serena, Spencer

"When you feel like giving up,
think of all the reasons why
you held on for so long."


It's a Friday night and I'm at home, watching movies... Definitely a change of pace from last Friday. Oh, last Friday, well isn't that a story?

Before I get to the juice of this smoothie, I want you to realize that I haven't always been this... free with myself. High school changes a person, and I mean that, too. Especially bording high school's. You're separated from your family, so you don't really have that much supervision. There isn't anyone literally keeping an eye on you after 11 o' clock, and you can always manage to find alcohol.

If you aren't in high school yet: 1.) My posts are probably not suitable for your young mind. & 2.) Expect it to change your life completely, in more ways then one. You'll lose friends, you're gain friends, & you'll get closer to the ones you already have. Just keep on high alert for, well, pregnancy, you know? ;)

Back to the story...

I had a small, um, get-together. My best friends, Bailey and Serena, ditched whatever else they had to do (nothing - cough) to come over and spend the night at my place. But as always, we aren't the typical girls with the typical sleepovers. There were boys, Anthony, Spencer, and Connor, there was alcohol, and best of all there was sex.

But, the awful thing is - I don't think I've ever managed a sleepover without the words "orgy" and "finger" coming up more than, oh, let's say one hundred times? The first thing you're going to have to understand is that I'm not a whore, nor do I ever wish to be one. Like I said, high school changes a person, and until my freshman year (cough - four years ago) I hadn't even had my first kiss. But within a time span of about two months I had kissed/made out with seven guys and lost my virginity (in more ways that one...).

So, boys snuck in, Aboslut Vodka snuck out, and the six of us divided into three separate, err, pairs? Bailey + Connor; Serena + Anthony; & Me + Spencer.

Before that night, Spencer and I weren't friends. We didn't talk; I didn't even say 'hi' to him in the hallway. I'd hung out with him two times before, but once because I ran into him at the mall and another wonderful sleepover.

I'm not going to deny that fact that I had a fucking blast that night, but jealous raged somewhere within my horny teenaged body. And jealous picked at the simple fact that my best friend, Serena, was on top of my first "crush."

She was the reason he came. She was the reason why he wanted to walk out, leaving behind his friends. And she was the reason why he didn't get what he came for. I hate to say it, but I think I'm in love with him. I've known him half of my life, and he's everything I don't want - which is everything I look for in a guy.

Don't get me wrong, They'll never date and I know that for a fact. Anthony's a player; he hits and quits. A new girl each week, and I'm not exaggerating. It just drives me crazy that he wanted her. Sure she's pretty, but I'm not exactly Uma Thurman. Plus, I did already have him... I just wish I could be that one girl to change his mind; his ways.

Hahah, I make myself laugh. :)
Whatever.

<3 D

Labels: Anthony, Bailey, Connor, Serena, Spencer

"& Even though she regrets nothing,
her heart beats to change the past."

I needed a fresh start. And while this blog is for me to vent the things I'd never in a million years discuss with anyone buy my keyboard, it makes me feel awkward. So therefore, I'm starting over. Fresh and new. Starting from the beginning.

My age is not your concern. It'll only give you a biased view of my... adventures. I will tell you though, both drinking and driving are illegal for someone my age in the state of New York. My family is a bowl full of shit, for so many different reasons. But, I guess I have it better than some.

I'm (and finally realized, always will be) in love (?) with a boy I'll call Jack. Though we're barely even friends any more, I'll always deeply care about him (because that wasn't the gayest thing ever said).

After Jack, in the "love interest" department, is Thomas. Who now, I look back on as a borderline mistake, still makes an attempt to be my everything.

I have an amazing friend, anonymously named Ryan, who has always been there for me... even when he's behind bars or running away from God only knows what.

I also have an old friend who I've known for as long as I can remember. Anthony is his "name." He's the picture perfect bad boy you've always fantasized about and your mother's always worried about. Too bad he's cocky as fuck and horny as hell...

Along with Anthony, comes Spencer and Connor. One of which is dating my best friend (Connor) and the other my most recent... hit? (Spencer)

Now, although that was simply boring and obviously pointless - I promise it'll all be made up for in the near future. My life is a soap opera, and if you're bored late at night, biting your nails thinking of something to do, I have the perfect solution.

And it just happens to be my life.
So if you're in for the ride, I'm ready to go.

Just tell me when.

<3 D

Labels: Anthony, Connor, Jack, Ryan, Spencer, Thomas