"I'm a firm believer that sometimes...
it's right to do the wrong things."

I really don't know what, or rather how, I'm going to explain this to the effect that it will be understandable by people who read this. So, I'm going to start out by telling you that this blog scares the shit out of me. It makes me feel better - letting the truth, the feelings, the honesty come out - but I know (because Life loves to screw the hell out of me) one of these days someone I know that has it out for me will find it, realize it's me, and fuck my life up more than it already is.

But who cares about that? I have shit to say, and I'd like it if you listened.

They're pushing STD/pregnancy prevention at school this week and next. It's all about abstinence and not giving up your 'gift' of virginity. It's a great idea when you think about it, sitting in a health class with a woman teaching you about the consequences of sex and relationships. But when your pinned to a bed with a sexy boy roaming over you, it's utterly impossible to say 'no.' She said you shouldn't put yourself into positions like that... but honestly. It's high school and sex happens. But whether or not that's true, it didn't stop her from making me feel horrible about the things I've done.

The post before this - the Friday night sleepover? - well, that obviously wasn't the first time we've done crazy stuff like that. It was... well, it was actually the third. Summer's coming up, June 4th being our last day at school. Bailey, Serena, and I are driving back that night and we'll be home by the 5th. By then, we've got another wonderful event planned only we're facing the technicalities of parents. I guess that just means we'll be sneaking boys into my house. That's always great...

My only problem with these little orgy-like party-things is that no matter who I'm with... I can't really trust them. Except for Anthony. He did a rather fantastic job at keeping our hook-up on the down low. Sure he told his best friends... but then again, who doesn't? He isn't like Spencer; whom I equate to being a lesser version of Anthony himself.

No, Spencer told everyone. Everyone. Which isn't that much of a big deal: it makes boys envious and girls want to kill me. But you see, I don't want to be a whore. I don't want people to know about my personal life. It's none of their damn business! ...Right? Well, at least I think so.

Bailey and Connor broke up some time back, so no matter how this party turns out, it's going to be awkward. Bailey, who's practicing a 21st century form of abstinence (meaning anything but actual SEX-sex, she'll do) actually said she might be okay with hooking-up with him.

Last time just worked out sensually, and to be honest, I doubt it will ever happen like that again. You never know though, I guess.

Anthony wants me. Maybe not the way I want him to, but he does. Twice this week he begged me for things my mother would never even want to hear about. Ever. I didn't give in though. Someday, I will (not that I already haven't). But for right now, I want to be his friend, not his fuck-buddy.

I really am in over my head. That's fucking fantastic.

<3 D

Labels: Anthony, Bailey, Connor, Serena, Spencer