"She's a free spirit...
& sometimes she needs to miss behave."

Well, our last day of high school was yesterday. Formally, anyway. It doesn't seem like it's over. In a few weeks, I'll be getting my stuff together for college (shockingly, I'm going...). It's all so surreal, though. Plus, the things that went on not being school related, or in anyway educational, seem to make it all the more unbelievable.

I had another post that was a continuation of the last post which I wanted to get out ASAP. But none of what I have to say in that blog will compare to what I have to tell you in this post. :)

After school, Bailey, Serena, and I went out to lunch and then finished packing up our shit. On the drive home, I texted Anthony to see if he was busy tonight. Because in case you forgot, we had planned another outrageous informal "you-have-to-whisper-to-stay-in" party. Now, understand Anthony is the kind of person who let's girls get to him emotionally. And lately, he's been oddly hung up on one particular girl. Her names Madeline, if that even matters...

Anyway, apparently Anthony and Madeline got into another fight (something they do strategically often). He was extremely bothered, and at first didn't text me back. So, I continued to pester him, like poking at an open sore. Until, he bled. He went off on me and I ended up telling him off. Probably not the best idea, but at the time, it was the best decision.

"I don't need this now, Des."
"Do you think I give of shit, Anthony? Because I don't. If you could pull your head out of Madeline's ass for just one minutes - I could tell you that I have a temporary solution to your problem..."
"Yah? What would that be?"
"Yeah, 'cause we really want to screw around with someone who'll scream Madeline the whole time. Text me when you're in a better mood."

Not exact, but close enough. Bottom line is, Anthony's distress caused us to have no plans. But, as always, we found a way out of that.

Serena had been sorta-almost-kinda talking to Derek, whom while he has an outstanding body, seems to lack in the sexy-as-hell department. We manipulated things around a little bit, much to Serena's knowledge and ended up sneaking out with Derek and his best friend, Matt.

...We rented a room at a hotel twenty minutes out of our small town and that's when it all started. At first, nothing excited happened. Matt was wasted and Derek was possibly as well. Bailey and I took it upon ourselves to take Matt and give Derek and Serena there privacy.

We walked him into the bathroom and locked the door. When we walked out to check on the prosperity of anything between Derek and Serena, Matt had two humongous hickeys and both Bailey and I had multiple. I won't go into the sexual details, but a lot went on in that bathroom. Though, I will assure you absolutely nothing lesbian took place. Ha ha

After leaving the prosperous bathroom with Matt who had both given and gotten, we were met with Serena and Derek - neither of which had been given anything. I had promised Derek he would get something. Sex, a hand job, even a little awkward groping... anything! And yet, all he had gotten was a few kisses and nothing.

Half drunk ourselves, Bailey and I took Derek under our arms (or legs for that matter) and replaced Matt. Things got crazy, and Matt persisted that we needed to get back to town, before anyone noticed we were gone...

The night ended with Matt and Derek driving away, and us being afraid they would get killed or pulled over by the police. I'm not going to lie, it was definitely a freaky night (in a dirty way, for sure). But I have one major problem...

They're all friends with Spencer, Anthony, and Connor.

Labels: Anthony, Bailey, Connor, Derek, Madeline, Serena, Spencer

"I'm a firm believer that sometimes...
it's right to do the wrong things."

I really don't know what, or rather how, I'm going to explain this to the effect that it will be understandable by people who read this. So, I'm going to start out by telling you that this blog scares the shit out of me. It makes me feel better - letting the truth, the feelings, the honesty come out - but I know (because Life loves to screw the hell out of me) one of these days someone I know that has it out for me will find it, realize it's me, and fuck my life up more than it already is.

But who cares about that? I have shit to say, and I'd like it if you listened.

They're pushing STD/pregnancy prevention at school this week and next. It's all about abstinence and not giving up your 'gift' of virginity. It's a great idea when you think about it, sitting in a health class with a woman teaching you about the consequences of sex and relationships. But when your pinned to a bed with a sexy boy roaming over you, it's utterly impossible to say 'no.' She said you shouldn't put yourself into positions like that... but honestly. It's high school and sex happens. But whether or not that's true, it didn't stop her from making me feel horrible about the things I've done.

The post before this - the Friday night sleepover? - well, that obviously wasn't the first time we've done crazy stuff like that. It was... well, it was actually the third. Summer's coming up, June 4th being our last day at school. Bailey, Serena, and I are driving back that night and we'll be home by the 5th. By then, we've got another wonderful event planned only we're facing the technicalities of parents. I guess that just means we'll be sneaking boys into my house. That's always great...

My only problem with these little orgy-like party-things is that no matter who I'm with... I can't really trust them. Except for Anthony. He did a rather fantastic job at keeping our hook-up on the down low. Sure he told his best friends... but then again, who doesn't? He isn't like Spencer; whom I equate to being a lesser version of Anthony himself.

No, Spencer told everyone. Everyone. Which isn't that much of a big deal: it makes boys envious and girls want to kill me. But you see, I don't want to be a whore. I don't want people to know about my personal life. It's none of their damn business! ...Right? Well, at least I think so.

Bailey and Connor broke up some time back, so no matter how this party turns out, it's going to be awkward. Bailey, who's practicing a 21st century form of abstinence (meaning anything but actual SEX-sex, she'll do) actually said she might be okay with hooking-up with him.

Last time just worked out sensually, and to be honest, I doubt it will ever happen like that again. You never know though, I guess.

Anthony wants me. Maybe not the way I want him to, but he does. Twice this week he begged me for things my mother would never even want to hear about. Ever. I didn't give in though. Someday, I will (not that I already haven't). But for right now, I want to be his friend, not his fuck-buddy.

I really am in over my head. That's fucking fantastic.

<3 D

Labels: Anthony, Bailey, Connor, Serena, Spencer

"When you feel like giving up,
think of all the reasons why
you held on for so long."


It's a Friday night and I'm at home, watching movies... Definitely a change of pace from last Friday. Oh, last Friday, well isn't that a story?

Before I get to the juice of this smoothie, I want you to realize that I haven't always been this... free with myself. High school changes a person, and I mean that, too. Especially bording high school's. You're separated from your family, so you don't really have that much supervision. There isn't anyone literally keeping an eye on you after 11 o' clock, and you can always manage to find alcohol.

If you aren't in high school yet: 1.) My posts are probably not suitable for your young mind. & 2.) Expect it to change your life completely, in more ways then one. You'll lose friends, you're gain friends, & you'll get closer to the ones you already have. Just keep on high alert for, well, pregnancy, you know? ;)

Back to the story...

I had a small, um, get-together. My best friends, Bailey and Serena, ditched whatever else they had to do (nothing - cough) to come over and spend the night at my place. But as always, we aren't the typical girls with the typical sleepovers. There were boys, Anthony, Spencer, and Connor, there was alcohol, and best of all there was sex.

But, the awful thing is - I don't think I've ever managed a sleepover without the words "orgy" and "finger" coming up more than, oh, let's say one hundred times? The first thing you're going to have to understand is that I'm not a whore, nor do I ever wish to be one. Like I said, high school changes a person, and until my freshman year (cough - four years ago) I hadn't even had my first kiss. But within a time span of about two months I had kissed/made out with seven guys and lost my virginity (in more ways that one...).

So, boys snuck in, Aboslut Vodka snuck out, and the six of us divided into three separate, err, pairs? Bailey + Connor; Serena + Anthony; & Me + Spencer.

Before that night, Spencer and I weren't friends. We didn't talk; I didn't even say 'hi' to him in the hallway. I'd hung out with him two times before, but once because I ran into him at the mall and another wonderful sleepover.

I'm not going to deny that fact that I had a fucking blast that night, but jealous raged somewhere within my horny teenaged body. And jealous picked at the simple fact that my best friend, Serena, was on top of my first "crush."

She was the reason he came. She was the reason why he wanted to walk out, leaving behind his friends. And she was the reason why he didn't get what he came for. I hate to say it, but I think I'm in love with him. I've known him half of my life, and he's everything I don't want - which is everything I look for in a guy.

Don't get me wrong, They'll never date and I know that for a fact. Anthony's a player; he hits and quits. A new girl each week, and I'm not exaggerating. It just drives me crazy that he wanted her. Sure she's pretty, but I'm not exactly Uma Thurman. Plus, I did already have him... I just wish I could be that one girl to change his mind; his ways.

Hahah, I make myself laugh. :)
Whatever.

<3 D

Labels: Anthony, Bailey, Connor, Serena, Spencer

"& Even though she regrets nothing,
her heart beats to change the past."

I needed a fresh start. And while this blog is for me to vent the things I'd never in a million years discuss with anyone buy my keyboard, it makes me feel awkward. So therefore, I'm starting over. Fresh and new. Starting from the beginning.

My age is not your concern. It'll only give you a biased view of my... adventures. I will tell you though, both drinking and driving are illegal for someone my age in the state of New York. My family is a bowl full of shit, for so many different reasons. But, I guess I have it better than some.

I'm (and finally realized, always will be) in love (?) with a boy I'll call Jack. Though we're barely even friends any more, I'll always deeply care about him (because that wasn't the gayest thing ever said).

After Jack, in the "love interest" department, is Thomas. Who now, I look back on as a borderline mistake, still makes an attempt to be my everything.

I have an amazing friend, anonymously named Ryan, who has always been there for me... even when he's behind bars or running away from God only knows what.

I also have an old friend who I've known for as long as I can remember. Anthony is his "name." He's the picture perfect bad boy you've always fantasized about and your mother's always worried about. Too bad he's cocky as fuck and horny as hell...

Along with Anthony, comes Spencer and Connor. One of which is dating my best friend (Connor) and the other my most recent... hit? (Spencer)

Now, although that was simply boring and obviously pointless - I promise it'll all be made up for in the near future. My life is a soap opera, and if you're bored late at night, biting your nails thinking of something to do, I have the perfect solution.

And it just happens to be my life.
So if you're in for the ride, I'm ready to go.

Just tell me when.

<3 D

Labels: Anthony, Connor, Jack, Ryan, Spencer, Thomas