"Sometimes, you need to do what's best for you..."

I...I...I don't even know where to begin. Jack is, bottom line, a complete asshole. I want nothing, forever more, to do with him. Bailey... well, Bailey is on probation right now for an incident I'd really rather not mention. She isn't allowed to speak to me or my new roomate, Shauna. I suppose that's understandable, as it is us that got her in trouble; however it was trouble she willingly walked right into...

Serena and I are slowly repairing the failed patches in our friendship. And I'm so...happy about that. But more importantly, I've found a new friend in Shauna. She's... she's so much like me it should be considered illegal. She has very few cares in the world, but she's smart and we have so many things in common. And that didn't totally sound like a lesbian gushing over her bitch... Regardless, Shauna is someone I can trust. She's drama-less and yet still carefree. She has similar morals as me... and quite frankly, she just doesn't give a shit. But sadly, it's summer, and her family resides in Ohio. So, until a few days before the first semester starts, Shauna's MIA as well.

Which only leaves me with Serena, and Holly too. But...they aren't like me anymore. They're ...snudy? And uptight, and too self-centered. They don't know how to have fun. At least not my kind of fun.

And then there's Ben. God, how I wish...he wasn't so complicated. He's pure perfection with every breath. Words can't even describe, but for the first time I'm put into a position where he...he doesn't care! He doesn't want me like I want him. Which is something so new to me, it's heartbreaking. I don't know what to do to get him. I've already made he first move... and then the second. And then the third. And somewhere in between that, he's only come to me once.

How I wish he was a clingy asshole like the rest. Him and Anthony are certainly a new breed. I've never, however cocky this sounds, come across a man I could not will into my bed. It's strange to finally meet my match. Even with Anthony, his fuck-hole ways soon got to his head, and he always came crawling back for more. But Ben, he's just different. And I hate it, but in reality, it's what makes me like him all that much more.

I said I wouldn't have to come back here, and will out my thoughts. But here I am, barely two months later, already defeated by life. I need a sign, in a time like this. That's what I always look for. Though, I know there won't be one. Ben...he doesn't want me. And no matter how hard I try, they'll always be someone better, in his mind at least.

Even confidence can't win me over. I swear to God... ugh. I want him so bad, and I think knowing I can't have him makes it that much worse. I could write and write about how his dismantled skills keep me up at night, or how I dream the most thorough dreams of being in his arms. And for me, that's a rarity. A never-ity, if you really want to know.

I guess faith is what I need, but after Jack and his epic failureness, i have little left in me to fight.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself to breathe.

Labels: Bailey, Ben, Jack, Serena, Shauna

"Fate determines who enters your life.
Your actions decide who stays..."

March 6th, 2009. My last day of high school.

Lately, I've been having a lot of second guesses. Should I graduate early? I'm only a Junior. Am I even ready to experience the world on my own? Do I want to move out to California with Shane? Can I leave my friends, my family? Is... it... worth... it?

Yes. Yes. I think so. And I hope so.

Everything's finalized--the documents are written up, the lines ready to be signed. All I have to do is take a few exams and I'm done. Done with the beginning of my life. And I haven't even turned seventeen yet! It's scary. I'm scared. But I think I'm ready.

I talked to Shane last night, for the first time in a long time. He didn't have power for the first few nights in CA, and his phone was officially turned on until a couple of days ago. On top of that, he had to et a new cell number to match the Cali area code. Bottom line is, we came to the mutual decision that it would be best if I came out for a few days to see if I liked it. And from there, I'd decide.

I know what will happen though. I really like Shane. Maybe just as a friend, maybe not. But either way, I need to figure out if I can survive by myself without Mommy & Daddy's money. I want to know for sure that I can live on my own, even if I won't really be on my own, I'll still be as far away from everything I know and have grown up with. I want to do this. I need to do this.

That's what I keep telling myself.

Lately, though, to distract myself from the nauseous thoughts of my future, I've been reminiscing the last sixteen years of my life. Or at least the good parts. Reminding myself what I'll miss, what I want to leave, and things I'll never forget. Especially people I won't forget.

Anthony- I'm not going to lie, I'm gonna miss the cracked up son-of-a-bitch. I hope he's happy though. I want him to be happy. I hope him and his girlfriend are happy. But most of all, I hope he fixes himself up; patches up his holes and weathered edges. He deserves to be happy, I think. I'm probably the only one that knows is back story, aside from his good guy friends. And I like to think that he's going to get better. He'll graduate next year, and my biggest fear is that I'll see his name in the obituaries. I think, however, I'm finally at a point where I can honestly say I wouldn't be as sad as I would have been eight months ago. If that makes any sense...

Ryan- Wherever he is, whatever he's doing, whoever he's with; I hope he's okay. It scary knowing that I don't know. He'll be alright, I know him. He's, if anything, a survivor. And he too deserves the best. I haven't heard any news about him lately, as I haven't talked to my mother in weeks. When I went to visit him at the hospital a few days after my relapse, he was gone. And as I am not family, it would be just simply fucking stupid to divulge any information to me. I just hope he's cleaned up his act since the last time I saw him. It would break my heart if he... we won't go there.

Serena/Holly/Bailey- Maybe they'll realize drama isn't going to do anything and rumors will only destroy the little they have left. Ha. I don't plan on keeping in touch as much as I should. I'll still talk to them, but well, I just don't care anymore.

Jack- Who is still a mystery to me, will probably forever plague my mind. It's he who always seems to come back right when I think he won't.

"I'm not gonna lie, I'mma miss you, D."
"Hey, we'll keep in touch. Text me. Maybe you can come visit." Lies. Lies. Lies.
"I feel like we never really got the chance we should have gotten."
"I guess so. It wouldn't have worked out though, Jack."
He winked, grinning slyly. "You never know..."

I can't say where it will go with him.

As for new boys, and new drama. There isn't much. There's Ben, whom I love. He's hilarous and adorable, and undoubtedly crazy. I like that he makes me laugh without trying. But I'm leaving, he's staying, and that's that.

Until... sometime.

Desiree

Labels: Anthony, Bailey, Ben, Holly, Jack, Ryan, Serena, Shane

"You'll do anything to escape the habit of living...
until the escape becomes the habit..."

It all started in seventh grade when I caught my father banging the seventeen-year-old neighbor girl I looked up to as a role model. A series of events before and after that occurence left me in the hospital for attempted suicide by slitting my wrists with a pair of dull children's scissors.

I cut my wrists for a year after that until my mother sent me to a rehab facility. I was thirteen.

I came out refreshed, with only the scars as the reminder. But, a couple of months later, my mother informed me I would not be attending our local high school. Instead, I would attend a bording school where I could escape the drama my family life had become. Her and I both knew it was for the best, though I still left with resentment. Yet, weeks into my freshman year away from home, I came to love my new habitat. It was everything my home life wasn't. Well, until I started running into familiar faces. Anthony, for one. Bailey another.

I'd been good since then and I hadn't thought once about slitting my wrists. Until tonight.

It started this morning when I woke up in the arms of (but of course) Jack. Contrary to popular belief, we have not had sex. He simply fills a void I only recently realized I had. He spends the night quite frequently, and we occasionally kiss. We've started a pattern. Though our pattern is quite sinful.

He's "talking" to Serena. By that I mean not techincally dating because she is working her way into another man's heart, but they flirt in that unrespectable I-want-you banter. More than I do. He also, above all, has a girlfriend in the school slut. Irony's a bitch.

As he was leaving my dorm, his top shirt slung over his shoulder, he turned around at the door and kissed my cheek. It was a sign of affection I wished he hadn't have shown. Nonetheless, I smiled up at him and shut the door as he walked away. Nearly seconds later, the door flung open and I smirked.

"Forget something?" I asked, my back turned.
"Fucking hell, Des, what was Jack doing in your Dorm looking like he just screwed a girl!?"

Anthony. What else? I stood up, shocked, and tried to act like it was nothing. We were simply friends, with benefits, much like Anthony and I. That's what I told him, but of course, he didn't take to that all too well.

"You have no fucking respect for me." he yelled, his hands balled.
"Why the HELL would I respect you?"

Now this is where I become a whore. I spent the night in one boy's arms (we still didn't have sex) and I found myself, an hour later, in the arms of another. He wrapped his arms around my naked front and I felt dirty. Like Jenna Jameson or something.

Unfortunately, that's not the bad part.

"I think I love you, Desi."

I turned around to look at him, so utterly appalled it should have been illegal. That's when I realized it. In the early afternoon's sunshine, the rays coming in from my side window, his eyes sparkled a dark brown and his pupils where the size of the tip of a needle. It suddenly it him.

He was high.

I pushed him out of my bed like he was light as a pillow and he fell with a thud. I yelled at him, slapped him across the face a couple of times and told him to get out, that I never wanted to see him again. Though part of me thinking this was a sick joke Matt concoted. My heart, however, sang to the tune of "Drunken minds speak sober thoughts."

As soon as he came, he too, was gone. I fell asleep minutes after I heard the door slam shut, sucked into a world of happiness that awaited me in my dreams. When I woke up, around 6:30, I got a call from Ryan's mother. A call I could have lived without.

"He's in the hospital, Desiree. Three gunshot wounds to the chest."

Her words were slurred, whether literally or in my barely comprehending mind, I do not know. Though I broke down in tears and heard her utter simple words.

"Don't leave school though, dear. The doctor's say it's fifty-fifty and if he dies, I don't want you to have to drive back to school in the condition you will be in."

Selfless. Lifeless. Cruel. Fucking. Cunt-ass. Bitch.
That's what I thought as I slammed the phone against the wall, hoping it'd disconnect, or if luck have it, break her face in two.

I debated for the next two hours whether or not I should go, despite his mother's advice. It was almost nine when I realized I hadn't eaten all day and should have something -- if even a glass of water -- before I would ultimately pack my bags and leave.

After a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I decided coffee would be a good idea for the long drive ahead of me. I pulled out the container of coffee grains and I noticed it was a new one. Instead of the plastic cylinder holding the ungrinded beans, I found a metal can containing already grained. I ignored the subtle sign I'd only later actually think of as a real sign and slipped my hand in to scoop some out. As I pulled it out in a rushed and frantic surge, I slit my wrists on the edge.

That's when euphoria overcame me.

I ran to the bathroom with a kitchen steak knife and horizontally cut two individual lines on both my left and right. Now, I sit in my room, nowhere close to where I should be with Ryan, relinquising in the last minutes of my Addernol high, bandages wrapped around my wrists.

Don't you wish I was making this up?
Fucking hell.

Labels: Anthony, Jack, Matt, Ryan, Serena

"it's funny how things change...

in the blink of an eye, everything's different..."


I can't even begin to explain what has been going on for the last four months, but as usual, I'll try to get the main point across.

Let's first and foremost get one thing straight: I lied when I insinuated I was a senior. I felt that having the knowledge I was merely a sophmore would give you the wrong idea, though apart from that, every word I typed was true. Every. Single. Word.

I am, though in fact, a compulsive liar and do make up more things than are true, but here in the world of divulgAnce, I have decided (aside from the age conspiracy) I will be completely honest.

And in all honesty, I am going to make an attempt at describing the epic adventures of my life -- even if it takes two posts.

After my superstitons post, things were rather quiet for a while. Anthony was in another state. Ryan had seemingly fallen off the face of the Earth. Bailey found a new... dissappointing boyfriend named Aiden, leaving Serena and I in the cold.

But as the beginning of August soon approached and Junior year was looking closer and closer by each day, we had to have one final blow out. Our town has a huge festival to kick off the beginnng of "Back-to-School" month, and Serena and I decided to go against our better judgement and be in attendance. Bailey went too, but of course, she was with Aiden and his/her new friends.

While we were divulging in the glories of cotton candy and funnel cakes, I received a call from none other than the magnificent dissappearing Ryan. I will not lie when I say my heart stopped, seeing his name appear on my caller-ID. In a way, part of me felt sick. It was loud at the festival, and whatever he said, I couldn't hear him. I shouted for him to call me back, and talk to me when I could hear him -- but of course I don't know his response. I haven't heard much out of him since.

On the walk home, we ran into an old Jr. High friend whose name is pointless. The only thing you need to know is she dated Anthony's friend, Chris, and had built a somewhat sturdy relationship with Anthony himself. She was quick to inform us that he was coming back. Back to bording school. Back to... everything.

That was the second time I felt sick that day.

Sometime before school started again, Serena and I were driving back from the city when I got a rather informal text reading, "Are you havin' 'ya girls over tonight?"

Now, a few days prior I had lost my cell phone and gotten a new one, but in the process all of my numbers were deleted, including his. I will honestly say I do not, to this day, have his number memorized, but I do know the first three digits. And upon seeing those three digits, I launched for Serena's phone and looked up his number. Sure enough, jackass was back in town and instead of a proper greeting, he was already asking for much more than he deserved.

I turned him down, though while ignoring his advances, still making my own attempt to be his friend. I fucking can't help myself and it makes me sick.

Today we moved into the co-ed dorms. Guess who's ironically two doors down? Anthony. The asshole himself. And on top of that, I miss Jack, even though I know I need him like I need another hole in the heart. When did my life go from finally serene to whorey and schooled all in one week?

I want to die.

Labels: Aiden, Anthony, Bailey, Chris, Ryan, Serena

"She's a free spirit...
& sometimes she needs to miss behave."

Well, our last day of high school was yesterday. Formally, anyway. It doesn't seem like it's over. In a few weeks, I'll be getting my stuff together for college (shockingly, I'm going...). It's all so surreal, though. Plus, the things that went on not being school related, or in anyway educational, seem to make it all the more unbelievable.

I had another post that was a continuation of the last post which I wanted to get out ASAP. But none of what I have to say in that blog will compare to what I have to tell you in this post. :)

After school, Bailey, Serena, and I went out to lunch and then finished packing up our shit. On the drive home, I texted Anthony to see if he was busy tonight. Because in case you forgot, we had planned another outrageous informal "you-have-to-whisper-to-stay-in" party. Now, understand Anthony is the kind of person who let's girls get to him emotionally. And lately, he's been oddly hung up on one particular girl. Her names Madeline, if that even matters...

Anyway, apparently Anthony and Madeline got into another fight (something they do strategically often). He was extremely bothered, and at first didn't text me back. So, I continued to pester him, like poking at an open sore. Until, he bled. He went off on me and I ended up telling him off. Probably not the best idea, but at the time, it was the best decision.

"I don't need this now, Des."
"Do you think I give of shit, Anthony? Because I don't. If you could pull your head out of Madeline's ass for just one minutes - I could tell you that I have a temporary solution to your problem..."
"Yah? What would that be?"
"Yeah, 'cause we really want to screw around with someone who'll scream Madeline the whole time. Text me when you're in a better mood."

Not exact, but close enough. Bottom line is, Anthony's distress caused us to have no plans. But, as always, we found a way out of that.

Serena had been sorta-almost-kinda talking to Derek, whom while he has an outstanding body, seems to lack in the sexy-as-hell department. We manipulated things around a little bit, much to Serena's knowledge and ended up sneaking out with Derek and his best friend, Matt.

...We rented a room at a hotel twenty minutes out of our small town and that's when it all started. At first, nothing excited happened. Matt was wasted and Derek was possibly as well. Bailey and I took it upon ourselves to take Matt and give Derek and Serena there privacy.

We walked him into the bathroom and locked the door. When we walked out to check on the prosperity of anything between Derek and Serena, Matt had two humongous hickeys and both Bailey and I had multiple. I won't go into the sexual details, but a lot went on in that bathroom. Though, I will assure you absolutely nothing lesbian took place. Ha ha

After leaving the prosperous bathroom with Matt who had both given and gotten, we were met with Serena and Derek - neither of which had been given anything. I had promised Derek he would get something. Sex, a hand job, even a little awkward groping... anything! And yet, all he had gotten was a few kisses and nothing.

Half drunk ourselves, Bailey and I took Derek under our arms (or legs for that matter) and replaced Matt. Things got crazy, and Matt persisted that we needed to get back to town, before anyone noticed we were gone...

The night ended with Matt and Derek driving away, and us being afraid they would get killed or pulled over by the police. I'm not going to lie, it was definitely a freaky night (in a dirty way, for sure). But I have one major problem...

They're all friends with Spencer, Anthony, and Connor.

Labels: Anthony, Bailey, Connor, Derek, Madeline, Serena, Spencer

"I'm a firm believer that sometimes...
it's right to do the wrong things."

I really don't know what, or rather how, I'm going to explain this to the effect that it will be understandable by people who read this. So, I'm going to start out by telling you that this blog scares the shit out of me. It makes me feel better - letting the truth, the feelings, the honesty come out - but I know (because Life loves to screw the hell out of me) one of these days someone I know that has it out for me will find it, realize it's me, and fuck my life up more than it already is.

But who cares about that? I have shit to say, and I'd like it if you listened.

They're pushing STD/pregnancy prevention at school this week and next. It's all about abstinence and not giving up your 'gift' of virginity. It's a great idea when you think about it, sitting in a health class with a woman teaching you about the consequences of sex and relationships. But when your pinned to a bed with a sexy boy roaming over you, it's utterly impossible to say 'no.' She said you shouldn't put yourself into positions like that... but honestly. It's high school and sex happens. But whether or not that's true, it didn't stop her from making me feel horrible about the things I've done.

The post before this - the Friday night sleepover? - well, that obviously wasn't the first time we've done crazy stuff like that. It was... well, it was actually the third. Summer's coming up, June 4th being our last day at school. Bailey, Serena, and I are driving back that night and we'll be home by the 5th. By then, we've got another wonderful event planned only we're facing the technicalities of parents. I guess that just means we'll be sneaking boys into my house. That's always great...

My only problem with these little orgy-like party-things is that no matter who I'm with... I can't really trust them. Except for Anthony. He did a rather fantastic job at keeping our hook-up on the down low. Sure he told his best friends... but then again, who doesn't? He isn't like Spencer; whom I equate to being a lesser version of Anthony himself.

No, Spencer told everyone. Everyone. Which isn't that much of a big deal: it makes boys envious and girls want to kill me. But you see, I don't want to be a whore. I don't want people to know about my personal life. It's none of their damn business! ...Right? Well, at least I think so.

Bailey and Connor broke up some time back, so no matter how this party turns out, it's going to be awkward. Bailey, who's practicing a 21st century form of abstinence (meaning anything but actual SEX-sex, she'll do) actually said she might be okay with hooking-up with him.

Last time just worked out sensually, and to be honest, I doubt it will ever happen like that again. You never know though, I guess.

Anthony wants me. Maybe not the way I want him to, but he does. Twice this week he begged me for things my mother would never even want to hear about. Ever. I didn't give in though. Someday, I will (not that I already haven't). But for right now, I want to be his friend, not his fuck-buddy.

I really am in over my head. That's fucking fantastic.

<3 D

Labels: Anthony, Bailey, Connor, Serena, Spencer

"When you feel like giving up,
think of all the reasons why
you held on for so long."


It's a Friday night and I'm at home, watching movies... Definitely a change of pace from last Friday. Oh, last Friday, well isn't that a story?

Before I get to the juice of this smoothie, I want you to realize that I haven't always been this... free with myself. High school changes a person, and I mean that, too. Especially bording high school's. You're separated from your family, so you don't really have that much supervision. There isn't anyone literally keeping an eye on you after 11 o' clock, and you can always manage to find alcohol.

If you aren't in high school yet: 1.) My posts are probably not suitable for your young mind. & 2.) Expect it to change your life completely, in more ways then one. You'll lose friends, you're gain friends, & you'll get closer to the ones you already have. Just keep on high alert for, well, pregnancy, you know? ;)

Back to the story...

I had a small, um, get-together. My best friends, Bailey and Serena, ditched whatever else they had to do (nothing - cough) to come over and spend the night at my place. But as always, we aren't the typical girls with the typical sleepovers. There were boys, Anthony, Spencer, and Connor, there was alcohol, and best of all there was sex.

But, the awful thing is - I don't think I've ever managed a sleepover without the words "orgy" and "finger" coming up more than, oh, let's say one hundred times? The first thing you're going to have to understand is that I'm not a whore, nor do I ever wish to be one. Like I said, high school changes a person, and until my freshman year (cough - four years ago) I hadn't even had my first kiss. But within a time span of about two months I had kissed/made out with seven guys and lost my virginity (in more ways that one...).

So, boys snuck in, Aboslut Vodka snuck out, and the six of us divided into three separate, err, pairs? Bailey + Connor; Serena + Anthony; & Me + Spencer.

Before that night, Spencer and I weren't friends. We didn't talk; I didn't even say 'hi' to him in the hallway. I'd hung out with him two times before, but once because I ran into him at the mall and another wonderful sleepover.

I'm not going to deny that fact that I had a fucking blast that night, but jealous raged somewhere within my horny teenaged body. And jealous picked at the simple fact that my best friend, Serena, was on top of my first "crush."

She was the reason he came. She was the reason why he wanted to walk out, leaving behind his friends. And she was the reason why he didn't get what he came for. I hate to say it, but I think I'm in love with him. I've known him half of my life, and he's everything I don't want - which is everything I look for in a guy.

Don't get me wrong, They'll never date and I know that for a fact. Anthony's a player; he hits and quits. A new girl each week, and I'm not exaggerating. It just drives me crazy that he wanted her. Sure she's pretty, but I'm not exactly Uma Thurman. Plus, I did already have him... I just wish I could be that one girl to change his mind; his ways.

Hahah, I make myself laugh. :)
Whatever.

<3 D

Labels: Anthony, Bailey, Connor, Serena, Spencer