"Stop worrying about what might hold you down,
and pay attention to why you're standing up..."

Anthony and I have decided to end our so-called friendship. It's really not worth trying anymore. I've come to the decision that I need to be finished with him. While the best decision would be to forget his rotten, conceited ass all together, I know that's impossible. He's too much of a part of me to be forgotten.

But it's foolish of me to sit here thinking, "I could have a chance..." because I know that I don't. You have to understand that I'm the kind of girl that will pick a guy she likes out and have him by the end of the night. Not by looks, or by slutty-ness, but simply by personality.

With Anthony, though, it's different. He's head-over-heels in love with Madeline and she's nothing I could ever compete with. With any other guy, I could probably win, but with him... it's different. There is no competition or try your hardest. He knows what he wants, much like I do, and he knows how to get it. I'm happy he's happy, and there's nothing else to it.

Jack, on the other hand, I know I could get if I tried hard enough. I know he likes me, whether or not he'd come out and say it. He's a flirt. He's a player. He's adorably amazing. The only problem is, he's too perfect. Tell me honestly, how stupid does that sound?

He barely ever utters a single profanity. The only thing he drinks is water, and maybe an occasional Coke. He doesn't smoke anything short of dust from his four-wheeler. He's everything I'm not, and maybe everything I need...

There's a party Friday night that I hope to see him at. I want to try to make it work with him. Or at least start talking to him again. It's weird not seeing him and knowing that I probably won't see him again until next summer, assuming we aren't going to the same college, I need to be able to talk with him whenever I want. I miss him.

But, jumping far ahead of myself, I keep wondering what if something did happen? Would it even be possible for me to maintain something with him? Better question yet, is it even possible to begin with? I'm sure he's heard rumors, true or not, about my past - especially that last corrupted month.... would he even want to bother? Who cares if he likes me...

Fuck my life.
Maybe I should stop second-guessing myself for once in my life and let whatever is going to happen simply just happen.

Yeah, easier said than done.

Labels: Anthony, Jack, Madeline