no quote. fuck that.

I... who the fucking hell knows where to begin. This whole entire thing brings back bad memories and regrets I wish I didn't have. My mind is rotting with confusion and the bile is slowly rising in my throat.

Thomas has always been my friend, even through the worst, the best, and the dirtiest. He's probably one of my favorite people, whether he is a little bitch or not. He helps me when I need it, and I love returning the favor. His girl problems and his drama will always out weigh mine, and that's what makes us so close.

Not to mention we're practically the same person. He's just a tad bit more of a girl than me.

Lucky me, Ben is in every one of my classes, though so is Thomas so the good equals the bad.

My problem though is image. I don't want a boyfriend, because I can't have one. The commitment and the monotony will eat me away, just like it did with Jack. The worthless piece of shit.

Leave that be, past is past. But how can I live anymore, with all of this confusion? Don't get me wrong, suicidal is surely something I am not... for now - medication does wonders, let me tell you.

I'm in love with Thomas. I know this without a doubt. It's tangible and real. For the first time, with him, I feel jealous and passionate. But also for the first time, I can't express myself. I've never given myself to someone so much that I lay my trust within them.

Except, I'm still me and he still him. I have my ways, and slowly, as the year goes by and our friendship twists and turns, I see him changing. He's forming to fit a mold of someone I can't help but feel as though I have created.

Not months ago, he'd describe to me his agonizing need to have a girlfriend. But now, all is wants is sex, the more the better, with as many girls as he can fit in to his schedule.

Each time, it tears me apart. I know, if I said he word, he would come to me, he would be mine. But there's something stopping me. Old habits die hard, I suppose.

My fear now is that everything he's said, about marriage and us and him caring abot me, is slowly fading away. Falling into the grip of passion, I slept with him--and sure enough, what they say is true.

Sex with someone you care about is the best sex you can have. Who would have thought? But now, our hour upon hour long conversations regarding everything and more lying under the sun have died out.

Now, we only talk when were about to meet up and fuck.

It's come to that.

As it always does.

The circle of life is a big pile of shit, and I plan on derailing it. I just, well, I just have to figure out how while finding the gumption to do it.

I'm writing now, everything and nothing, to keep myself sane. Drugs would be my normal outlet, but being clean sort of shits on that.

As I side not, I posted a post exactly one year ago from today with Thomas as the topic. I really, in all honesty, hope I'm meant to be with him. Because if I'm not, I don't know what I'll do.

HELP.
yes, please.

Labels: Thomas