no quote. fuck that.

I... who the fucking hell knows where to begin. This whole entire thing brings back bad memories and regrets I wish I didn't have. My mind is rotting with confusion and the bile is slowly rising in my throat.

Thomas has always been my friend, even through the worst, the best, and the dirtiest. He's probably one of my favorite people, whether he is a little bitch or not. He helps me when I need it, and I love returning the favor. His girl problems and his drama will always out weigh mine, and that's what makes us so close.

Not to mention we're practically the same person. He's just a tad bit more of a girl than me.

Lucky me, Ben is in every one of my classes, though so is Thomas so the good equals the bad.

My problem though is image. I don't want a boyfriend, because I can't have one. The commitment and the monotony will eat me away, just like it did with Jack. The worthless piece of shit.

Leave that be, past is past. But how can I live anymore, with all of this confusion? Don't get me wrong, suicidal is surely something I am not... for now - medication does wonders, let me tell you.

I'm in love with Thomas. I know this without a doubt. It's tangible and real. For the first time, with him, I feel jealous and passionate. But also for the first time, I can't express myself. I've never given myself to someone so much that I lay my trust within them.

Except, I'm still me and he still him. I have my ways, and slowly, as the year goes by and our friendship twists and turns, I see him changing. He's forming to fit a mold of someone I can't help but feel as though I have created.

Not months ago, he'd describe to me his agonizing need to have a girlfriend. But now, all is wants is sex, the more the better, with as many girls as he can fit in to his schedule.

Each time, it tears me apart. I know, if I said he word, he would come to me, he would be mine. But there's something stopping me. Old habits die hard, I suppose.

My fear now is that everything he's said, about marriage and us and him caring abot me, is slowly fading away. Falling into the grip of passion, I slept with him--and sure enough, what they say is true.

Sex with someone you care about is the best sex you can have. Who would have thought? But now, our hour upon hour long conversations regarding everything and more lying under the sun have died out.

Now, we only talk when were about to meet up and fuck.

It's come to that.

As it always does.

The circle of life is a big pile of shit, and I plan on derailing it. I just, well, I just have to figure out how while finding the gumption to do it.

I'm writing now, everything and nothing, to keep myself sane. Drugs would be my normal outlet, but being clean sort of shits on that.

As I side not, I posted a post exactly one year ago from today with Thomas as the topic. I really, in all honesty, hope I'm meant to be with him. Because if I'm not, I don't know what I'll do.

HELP.
yes, please.

Labels: Thomas

"It's age old reason...
love's the only one holding back."

I feel so stupid. So utterly, repulsively stupid. I think, given the right cirumstances, I would be in love with Thomas. I think, in reality, I am in love with Thomas.

But it's just not... he's just not... I'm not ready... he's... He's not Anthony. And the moreso I think that's the reason I don't want to be with him is because he isn't Anthony, the moreso I realize I've been using that as an excuse.

I'm not moving in on Thomas because he isn't... isn't what? I'm not too sure. But I do know what he is and he is... just not right for me.

He's desperate. That seems to happen to me a lot lately. Desperate boys attacking me like pirranhas. It's awful really, and yet I can't seem to shake him. He's such a wonderful person and he tries so hard; even though he damn sure knows I'm half-way-to-partially being in love with Shane. And Jack. And Anthony.

It's like an endless circle and I can't seem to escape.

He's a good guy, and he makes me laugh--Thomas, I mean. Yet, he is everything I don't want. He's clingy, and nobody likes clingy. He's needy, and again, no thank you. He's overbearing, and did I mention clingy? That really pisses me off.

But enough with him, because I know what I'm doing now, and it doesn't involve him. I want to be his friend and only his friend. Too much more would cause drama and pain I don't need to be bothered with.

Now onto worse problems. Well, I'm in CA now, sitting in the guest room of Shane's albeit gorgeous apartment townhouse. It's absolutely... small. But so perfect for me. I love it out here. But let's rewind.

I got airplane tickets for Friday night. And Wednesday night Serena and Bailey threw me a going away party (even if I'm only going to be gone two weeks). Attendees of the bash? Anthony, of course. Does that boy not going anywhere without alcohol? And then there was Jack.

Anthony got, of course, busted off his ass drunk and popped enough prescription meds to shit out his own Drug Mart. He made pass after pass at me and offered me quote-unquote "the world." He, get this, told me he loved me. Kissed me senseless. And then passed out on his face. But prior, barfed his guts out on my bathroom floor. What a lovely individual, wouldn't you say?

I hate him. I really do. He's everything I use to want. Everything I use to love. And now? Now he's nothing but a memory and something nice to look at. Fuck him. Just... just.. Fuck HIM.

Jack, well, handsome Jack followed me to the airport. Friday night. There he was, sitting in the terminal like a scene out of one of those retarded love movies. He stood there and he called my name. And I was stupid enough to walk over to him.

He apparently just wanted to say good-bye. Literally. That's all that happened.

But that's how Jack is. That's how he has always been. He's unpredictable, personable, yet totally unreadable. Maybe that's why I'm so attracted to him...

Either way, I'm in Calin now. Not for long, but long enough. And when I get back, things will have to be dealt with. Am I staying, am I moving? Boys. Boys. BOYS.

My head hurts. It's late. Goodnight.

Labels: Anthony, Jack, Shane, Thomas

"In shallow holes,

moles make fools of dragons."



I mentioned some time back that I had lost my cell phone and gotten another to replace, but in the process of losing, looking, and re-purchasing, my contact list was obliterated. Erasing important numbers I had not memorized (shocker, Anthony's, but not Jack's!). This event also cleared Thomas' number, which for the passed few days I have been sort of... pining for.

Usually, this is a post I would find pointless, as I have recently posted one regarding similar issues yesterday. However with Ryan MIA, I have no one to confide in; no one to listen to me. And while this stupid little computer diary doesn't respond to my issues, I feel better once I've posted and can re-read my dexterity.

If there is anything good about me aside from physical appearance (don't take that negatively...), I am a good actress when it comes down to it. I may be a one-time crackwhore, a past-life pothead, and I may have gone to rehab for Alcoholism. Yet, the one thing I pride myself on is my acting ability. I suppose it is because after all these years of lying, I've just gotten supremely good at it. Though, I've yet to harness my skill for anything worth while aside from lying, maybe I will in the future, but that's a topic for a later time.

In my life, I have asked for many things; some may call it praying. Though I can't say I'm really asking God for help, but moreso--any higher power that'll listen to me. A zit popped up on my nose, and I'd ask him to erase it. My grandfather was hanging on for his life, and I asked him to give me a few more months. My driving test was wrecking havoc on my nerves, I asked to pass. My family went through a rough patch where money was scarce, I asked for more. For courage, for power, for... fame. You name it, and I've undoubtedly asked for it. It's greedy and selfish and while I know that, it never stopped me.

Although, as of yet, my askings have been left unanswered. The zit? Took a week to clear up. My grandpa is still dying, slowly, but sadly. My driving test was a waste of time and I hit on the instructor to pass. As for money? We're better off, but don't expect to see our name on the Forbes list any time soon. I have little courage, skim power, and as for fame, you'd think I'd be writing on Blogspot?

Until yesterday. Like I said, I lost my contacts and Thomas' number in the process. Recently, I've been asking that he'd call me. After all, that's how we first started talking in the first place. He called me for one thing or another, and we couldn't hang up. So I thought, why not ask to sorta... rewind time? Not literally, but in enough sense that the past would repeat itself, and he would call me once again.

I started thinking of ways I could lure him into my trap. They were all what-ifs and the scenarios are nothing short of fiction, but my imagination never stops.

My first ploy was to walk across the street to the hotel a few blocks down, call him, ask him to pick me up, and cry in his arms. However, that's not only manipulative, because that probably wouldn't stop me anyway, but I didn't have his number and I'm not really a crier.

I then thought, hey, how about a mysterious bruise on my face? And an imaginary boyfriend that hit me? Thinking it through, none of that would work, as bruising my face would probably hurt more than worth, and chances are, he'd call the police on Domestic Violence... for a guy that didn't even exist.

So, instead, I sulked in my dorm, watched a few epis of Gilmore Girls, and sulked some more. Then, suddenly from the dresser behind me, my phone vibrated loudly, causing my to jump abruptly and spill the popcorn in my lap. When I reached for my phone, it was a text from a number I didn't know. I asked who it was, then coyly texted Bailey for the number.

Lo and behold, fucking Thomas had texted me. You'd think I'd be up in arms, calling him with unknown bruises and tears pouring out of my eyes like Niagara Falls, but yet, I was second-guessing myself, thinking... Fate doesn't work like this.

Some bitch up there is trying to spite me.

Either way, he never answered my text, so I never go the chance to talk to him. I moved on quickly, shockingly.

Later that night, a few friends and I had a movie night. We reminisced of passed occurrences, and someone brought up Thomas' summer fling with STD Sally. While I've never mentioned her before, there is really nothing worth mentioning. I'm not typically a purpose to talk shit about other people because it simply lands me into drama I don't have time for, however, STD Sally happens to be some one shit worthy. A total and complete whore when it comes down to it, she's made her rounds on half the school, once or twice.

I felt irrevocably repulsed. How could I start something with him again when he had made out with STD Sally? (who for possible later reference was once a close friend of mine) I decided right then that it was useless. All of the signs I had been seeing weren't signs, but merely me being retarded.

Until today. If his name turned up once, it turned up fifteen times. I'm doing research papers for a few classes and it seemed every source I looked up, his name appeared as the author (first name, obviously). The book I started today for my Lit class, oh, who could be the love-interest other than Thomas? The main character refers to her best friend as Thomas, his middle name, while his first name just so happens to be the real Thomas' middle name. Trying reading that without getting a headache.

I keep looking for signs, and I don't know why. I suppose that's what I do. I look for Fate symbols to tell me what to say, how to react; and look how I've turned out so far...

I wish so badly that I could talk to Shane, or anyone who will listen, but I can't because I'm not open, at all. I wish I could throw caution (that isn't really caution) to the wind, and do what my hearts telling me to do. But then, as I look back on it, last year at this same time was when I started talking to Thomas.

So, is it history repeating itself? Or is it my past mistakes rising up from the dead so I can rewrite my wrongdoings?

It's like the age-old glass is half full. Is my glass half full? Or has it already leaked to half empty? For some reason, I like the latter.

Figures.

Labels: Thomas

"Don't let the fear of striking out

keep you from playing the game..."



I should have known it was coming. My life has never, ever been as unpredictable as it has recently. Yet, I want to kick myself for not noticing; it's so... obvious. Right when I've finally got a plan, a thesis for my future, something always comes in and ruins my intentions, however good and un-rebellious they are.

Shane hasn't been much help lately, and in the past few months he's become my confident. But with the side note of his father's death on top of his back to back flights to and from California, he's sort of a lost cause right now. While I want to help him, comfort him in anyway I can, it's hard when he's in Florida, then California, then Florida--and I'm still stuck in NY for a few more weeks.


Like I said, once I've got everything decided, something (or in this case, two somethings) intercepts my otherwise great intentions.


Jack, who I haven't spoken to for quite some time, has taken it upon himself to persuade me not to leave. According to me, we have unfinished business. I, however, was not aware. I thought I had tied up my loose ends, but apparently he slipped through the loop.


"I heard you were leaving."

"I'm graduating early; it's for the best. I don't belong here," I answered.

"What are you running from?"

"Who says I'm running?"

He asked me to have coffee with him, and stupidly, I agreed. It's not that I still don't love him, because in all honesty, much like Anthony, I think I will always love him. He's simply that one boy I won't ever forget, no matter the lengths I should take to try and erase him from my memory.


"I hate to ruin the moment--you know, with you excitement about leaving and all--but you're the one person that makes this place worth coming to," he commented offhandedly.
"I couldn't even begin to understand why."
"I figured you'd say that."


Coffee with Jack reminded me of why I love him. Aside from stunning good-looks and irreplacable chivalry, he's easy to talk to and so utterly relatable. In my four-ish years of knowing him, we've never really gotten to know each other; at least not on a level that counts for anything besides sexual. Perhaps it's his upbringing, though I know deep down it's a sign that if I were to stay, something special could come of that, of him.
Now, I know you're going to assume that I am making a big deal out of nothing, but understand this is just the jist. It isn't everything. If I were to write everything in the specific detail to which it occured, you'd either immediately know who I am, or call the police.

Moving on from Jack, I'd like to state that I haven't spoken to or seen Anthony in at least a month. While I know he's wandering around campus, as Holly has pointedly told me she's given him "rides," I personally find it ridiculous to circle myself again. I'm done with him. I'll say it again.

With Shane, Jack, Anthony, and all of the others combined, wouldn't you love it if I added another into the mix? It's techincally not adding as I've skimmingly mentioned him before.

Thomas, the boy who I completely demolished. For a month, maybe two, we were talking, rather frequently. And I for one was enjoying it. But me, I've always overanalyzed the situation and ruined it with my high standards.

Since I can remember, I've always compared boys to Anthony. They're too corny. They're not as tall, not as muscular. They don't dress like he does. They don't have the money he does. They don't smell like he does, or come on to me like he did. But most of all, they aren't him. They look nothing like him; act nothing like him. And while I know that is absolutely no way to go about anything, especially considering how he treated me, I can't help but do it still to this day. Though the mere fact that I am trying to find a substitute for him should be the least of my worries, I'll never get over the fact that I didn't get him. I think since he turned me down, I've been trying to figure out why.

Somewhere inside, I'm almost sure it's because he isn't the type of guy ready for any sort of relationship other than a one-night-stand. Too bad I can't get that through my thick head.

You'd think I'd be satisfied with having a guy who cared enough about me to call me every night and wish me a good night. Yet, barely a month into it, I was skeptical as always, and began ignoring Thomas' calls. Finally, he got the hint and stopped calling. We barely talked in class, and I ignored him any way I could.

Awkward situations have never been my forte. Not in the slightest.

But now, as of recently, I've climbed the bridge over the awkwardness, and finding that ignoring his calls is one of my biggest mistakes. Though I could give it up to the fact that all of my friends have boyfriends who they so courteously flaunt in my face, and that I want ever so badly to finally have that one guy I can maintain a steady commitment with, I wonder if it's because I really, truely, like him.

Not in the way I like Jack. Or the way I was overwhelminly physically attracted to Anthony. But maybe in a way on a deeper level.

Thomas... is average. In looks. In intelligence. In style. He's basic. But withstanding. And constant. But maybe that's what I need. Maybe, I should settle. Settle for what I can manage. Stop using Anthony as a model for the perfect man, because he is not, by any means, the kind of guy I wish upon any girl.

Except, don't they tell you never settle for the least? Then wouldn't I be doing just that? I guess the real question is, do the pros out weigh the cons?

I know for a fact that if I tried hard enough, I could get back in Thomas' good graces. However, I don't deserve him, not after what I did to him. I know how much he liked me, and I twisted that back and through it at him. After I repeatedly told him I wouldn't. He remembers every detail of our short-term "relationship." The courteous courting dates. The tedious phone calls. The infinite texts begging him to come over and comfort me over a bad day. And even the aftermath, when I'd run into him at school events and he'd completely unawkwardly strike up a conversation with me while I cowered away.

That was a year ago.
And he still remembers.

I'm leaving in a couple of weeks. For good. And Thomas will be nothing but a forgotten memory of a guy I shouldacouldawoulda. Then again, do I have to leave? Internally, I'm chanting yes, but is it really for the best?

Who's to say.



Des

Labels: Anthony, Jack, Shane, Thomas

"& Even though she regrets nothing,
her heart beats to change the past."

I needed a fresh start. And while this blog is for me to vent the things I'd never in a million years discuss with anyone buy my keyboard, it makes me feel awkward. So therefore, I'm starting over. Fresh and new. Starting from the beginning.

My age is not your concern. It'll only give you a biased view of my... adventures. I will tell you though, both drinking and driving are illegal for someone my age in the state of New York. My family is a bowl full of shit, for so many different reasons. But, I guess I have it better than some.

I'm (and finally realized, always will be) in love (?) with a boy I'll call Jack. Though we're barely even friends any more, I'll always deeply care about him (because that wasn't the gayest thing ever said).

After Jack, in the "love interest" department, is Thomas. Who now, I look back on as a borderline mistake, still makes an attempt to be my everything.

I have an amazing friend, anonymously named Ryan, who has always been there for me... even when he's behind bars or running away from God only knows what.

I also have an old friend who I've known for as long as I can remember. Anthony is his "name." He's the picture perfect bad boy you've always fantasized about and your mother's always worried about. Too bad he's cocky as fuck and horny as hell...

Along with Anthony, comes Spencer and Connor. One of which is dating my best friend (Connor) and the other my most recent... hit? (Spencer)

Now, although that was simply boring and obviously pointless - I promise it'll all be made up for in the near future. My life is a soap opera, and if you're bored late at night, biting your nails thinking of something to do, I have the perfect solution.

And it just happens to be my life.
So if you're in for the ride, I'm ready to go.

Just tell me when.

<3 D

Labels: Anthony, Connor, Jack, Ryan, Spencer, Thomas