"It's age old reason...
love's the only one holding back."

I feel so stupid. So utterly, repulsively stupid. I think, given the right cirumstances, I would be in love with Thomas. I think, in reality, I am in love with Thomas.

But it's just not... he's just not... I'm not ready... he's... He's not Anthony. And the moreso I think that's the reason I don't want to be with him is because he isn't Anthony, the moreso I realize I've been using that as an excuse.

I'm not moving in on Thomas because he isn't... isn't what? I'm not too sure. But I do know what he is and he is... just not right for me.

He's desperate. That seems to happen to me a lot lately. Desperate boys attacking me like pirranhas. It's awful really, and yet I can't seem to shake him. He's such a wonderful person and he tries so hard; even though he damn sure knows I'm half-way-to-partially being in love with Shane. And Jack. And Anthony.

It's like an endless circle and I can't seem to escape.

He's a good guy, and he makes me laugh--Thomas, I mean. Yet, he is everything I don't want. He's clingy, and nobody likes clingy. He's needy, and again, no thank you. He's overbearing, and did I mention clingy? That really pisses me off.

But enough with him, because I know what I'm doing now, and it doesn't involve him. I want to be his friend and only his friend. Too much more would cause drama and pain I don't need to be bothered with.

Now onto worse problems. Well, I'm in CA now, sitting in the guest room of Shane's albeit gorgeous apartment townhouse. It's absolutely... small. But so perfect for me. I love it out here. But let's rewind.

I got airplane tickets for Friday night. And Wednesday night Serena and Bailey threw me a going away party (even if I'm only going to be gone two weeks). Attendees of the bash? Anthony, of course. Does that boy not going anywhere without alcohol? And then there was Jack.

Anthony got, of course, busted off his ass drunk and popped enough prescription meds to shit out his own Drug Mart. He made pass after pass at me and offered me quote-unquote "the world." He, get this, told me he loved me. Kissed me senseless. And then passed out on his face. But prior, barfed his guts out on my bathroom floor. What a lovely individual, wouldn't you say?

I hate him. I really do. He's everything I use to want. Everything I use to love. And now? Now he's nothing but a memory and something nice to look at. Fuck him. Just... just.. Fuck HIM.

Jack, well, handsome Jack followed me to the airport. Friday night. There he was, sitting in the terminal like a scene out of one of those retarded love movies. He stood there and he called my name. And I was stupid enough to walk over to him.

He apparently just wanted to say good-bye. Literally. That's all that happened.

But that's how Jack is. That's how he has always been. He's unpredictable, personable, yet totally unreadable. Maybe that's why I'm so attracted to him...

Either way, I'm in Calin now. Not for long, but long enough. And when I get back, things will have to be dealt with. Am I staying, am I moving? Boys. Boys. BOYS.

My head hurts. It's late. Goodnight.

Labels: Anthony, Jack, Shane, Thomas