"A downhill spiral is what cause the Great Depression..."


As always, life isn't going my way. Recently, my friends have all taken up with their boyfriends or new best friends. And me? Well, I've been neglected, I suppose.

Though part of it is my fault; I've been sheltering myself away from any outing for reasons I don't even understand. I'm trying really hard at well, life. I've been working my ass off to get my grades to my liking and still graduate with honors.

But, with fucking Anthony only feet from my bed, it's hard to sleep. And without sleep, well, there is no functioning, right?

Ah, Anthony. He's been... a totally asshole as usual, though I still seem a tad bit fixated on me. However, I'm in a mental version of Anthony-rehab, and I'm making the attempt to get over what ever it is I think he means to me. There really is no use to discuss anything further involving him, like his new (though not all that new) girlfriend, his pending fight with the guy who told his partially new girlfriend that he cheated on her (which he did, obviously), or his adamant insults on my part.

On the other hand, there's Jack. Me and him? Yeah, we haven't talked since Homecoming night, and shockingly, I'm happy about that. Turns out, he isn't what I thought he was. He's about as innocent as I am, though minus the addicting past. Still wouldn't mind talking to him again... But I'm moving on.

New guys? Oh yes, of course. Two, particularly. One named Shane, the other named... Shane. Though for all intended purposes of unconfusing you to be exact, one will be called Logan.

Shane? Shane is the exact opposite of Anthony. He's polite, his mouth vomits "ma'am" and "sir," and he talks to me like a normal guy, which for me, is hard to come by. He's older, a senior and graduating in the so distant future. Though I have class with him and sometimes hang out with him after. I like being with him. But I know I don't stand a chance. Bringing myself to consciously flirt with him would be purposely burying myself in a hole. He's Anthony's sworn enemy, and while that doesn't seem to matter as much anymore, he's moving. To California no less. Across the fucking country. Just my luck, you know.

Now Logan, he... is absolutely nothing when it comes to future. He's just a kid who likes me and I'm just a girl who likes... testosterone. He's -- different, if that does any justice. Not weird or eerie, but just different from the rest of the assembly line jackasses boarding school produces. Though whatever I do, I am conscious in not doing anything. If that makes any sense.

As for me, well, all of this jumble that you've wasted a life time reading, only adds up to my decision to graduate early and get the HELL out of here. Nothing is going right for me, and I don't expect the tables to turn.

No drugs? Yes, I've abandoned it completely, though fighting the itch is harder than I thought...
No cutting? On occasion, but moderation isn't the worse right?
Alcohol? Oh me? Well, you know... can't give up everything.
Boys? Eliminating them from my life completely.
Girls? Bitches. That's what it comes down to.

I'm devoting my life to school because education is the only thing I have going for me. I've gotten a scholarship offer to a school I actually want to go to. Berkeley. My mother would be proud: if I told her. And, on top of that, Shane and I have already decided that if I go early, and he's already left for the big So-Cal, I'll hit him up and we'll get together, talk things through. I've heard from a friend (you know the line), and his original intentions when giving me his number was to have a future plan for residency. Meaning, in literal terms average people without manners speak, he wants to get an apartment with me.

Things will only get better from now on, that's what I want to focus on. If I hit the books like I plan on, and ace all of my semester exams, I'll graduate before this years even over, and I won't even have finished my junior year.

Let's just hope it works out.
You know it won't. It's me, let's be real.

Labels: Anthony, Jack, Logan, Shane