"Sometimes, you need to do what's best for you..."

I...I...I don't even know where to begin. Jack is, bottom line, a complete asshole. I want nothing, forever more, to do with him. Bailey... well, Bailey is on probation right now for an incident I'd really rather not mention. She isn't allowed to speak to me or my new roomate, Shauna. I suppose that's understandable, as it is us that got her in trouble; however it was trouble she willingly walked right into...

Serena and I are slowly repairing the failed patches in our friendship. And I'm so...happy about that. But more importantly, I've found a new friend in Shauna. She's... she's so much like me it should be considered illegal. She has very few cares in the world, but she's smart and we have so many things in common. And that didn't totally sound like a lesbian gushing over her bitch... Regardless, Shauna is someone I can trust. She's drama-less and yet still carefree. She has similar morals as me... and quite frankly, she just doesn't give a shit. But sadly, it's summer, and her family resides in Ohio. So, until a few days before the first semester starts, Shauna's MIA as well.

Which only leaves me with Serena, and Holly too. But...they aren't like me anymore. They're ...snudy? And uptight, and too self-centered. They don't know how to have fun. At least not my kind of fun.

And then there's Ben. God, how I wish...he wasn't so complicated. He's pure perfection with every breath. Words can't even describe, but for the first time I'm put into a position where he...he doesn't care! He doesn't want me like I want him. Which is something so new to me, it's heartbreaking. I don't know what to do to get him. I've already made he first move... and then the second. And then the third. And somewhere in between that, he's only come to me once.

How I wish he was a clingy asshole like the rest. Him and Anthony are certainly a new breed. I've never, however cocky this sounds, come across a man I could not will into my bed. It's strange to finally meet my match. Even with Anthony, his fuck-hole ways soon got to his head, and he always came crawling back for more. But Ben, he's just different. And I hate it, but in reality, it's what makes me like him all that much more.

I said I wouldn't have to come back here, and will out my thoughts. But here I am, barely two months later, already defeated by life. I need a sign, in a time like this. That's what I always look for. Though, I know there won't be one. Ben...he doesn't want me. And no matter how hard I try, they'll always be someone better, in his mind at least.

Even confidence can't win me over. I swear to God... ugh. I want him so bad, and I think knowing I can't have him makes it that much worse. I could write and write about how his dismantled skills keep me up at night, or how I dream the most thorough dreams of being in his arms. And for me, that's a rarity. A never-ity, if you really want to know.

I guess faith is what I need, but after Jack and his epic failureness, i have little left in me to fight.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself to breathe.

Labels: Bailey, Ben, Jack, Serena, Shauna