"It's age old reason...
love's the only one holding back."
I feel so stupid. So utterly, repulsively stupid. I think, given the right cirumstances, I would be in love with Thomas. I think, in reality, I am in love with Thomas.
But it's just not... he's just not... I'm not ready... he's... He's not Anthony. And the moreso I think that's the reason I don't want to be with him is because he isn't Anthony, the moreso I realize I've been using that as an excuse.
I'm not moving in on Thomas because he isn't... isn't what? I'm not too sure. But I do know what he is and he is... just not right for me.
He's desperate. That seems to happen to me a lot lately. Desperate boys attacking me like pirranhas. It's awful really, and yet I can't seem to shake him. He's such a wonderful person and he tries so hard; even though he damn sure knows I'm half-way-to-partially being in love with Shane. And Jack. And Anthony.
It's like an endless circle and I can't seem to escape.
He's a good guy, and he makes me laugh--Thomas, I mean. Yet, he is everything I don't want. He's clingy, and nobody likes clingy. He's needy, and again, no thank you. He's overbearing, and did I mention clingy? That really pisses me off.
But enough with him, because I know what I'm doing now, and it doesn't involve him. I want to be his friend and only his friend. Too much more would cause drama and pain I don't need to be bothered with.
Now onto worse problems. Well, I'm in CA now, sitting in the guest room of Shane's albeit gorgeous apartment townhouse. It's absolutely... small. But so perfect for me. I love it out here. But let's rewind.
I got airplane tickets for Friday night. And Wednesday night Serena and Bailey threw me a going away party (even if I'm only going to be gone two weeks). Attendees of the bash? Anthony, of course. Does that boy not going anywhere without alcohol? And then there was Jack.
Anthony got, of course, busted off his ass drunk and popped enough prescription meds to shit out his own Drug Mart. He made pass after pass at me and offered me quote-unquote "the world." He, get this, told me he loved me. Kissed me senseless. And then passed out on his face. But prior, barfed his guts out on my bathroom floor. What a lovely individual, wouldn't you say?
I hate him. I really do. He's everything I use to want. Everything I use to love. And now? Now he's nothing but a memory and something nice to look at. Fuck him. Just... just.. Fuck HIM.
Jack, well, handsome Jack followed me to the airport. Friday night. There he was, sitting in the terminal like a scene out of one of those retarded love movies. He stood there and he called my name. And I was stupid enough to walk over to him.
He apparently just wanted to say good-bye. Literally. That's all that happened.
But that's how Jack is. That's how he has always been. He's unpredictable, personable, yet totally unreadable. Maybe that's why I'm so attracted to him...
Either way, I'm in Calin now. Not for long, but long enough. And when I get back, things will have to be dealt with. Am I staying, am I moving? Boys. Boys. BOYS.
My head hurts. It's late. Goodnight.
Home: United States
About Me: Come in; have a seat. And welcome yourself to a world where I'll tell you what I think, what I know, and what I've done; whether I'm proud of it or not. A world where rules, censorship, and children under 13 don't exist. A place where heartbreak, break-ups, and life itself are reality. A world where gossip, biased opinionated rudeness, and all-in-all seriousness are news-worthy. A world I call recognize as divulgAnce.
posted by Desireé at 2:43 AM
Friday, February 27, 2009
"Don't let the fear of striking out
keep you from playing the game..."
I should have known it was coming. My life has never, ever been as unpredictable as it has recently. Yet, I want to kick myself for not noticing; it's so... obvious. Right when I've finally got a plan, a thesis for my future, something always comes in and ruins my intentions, however good and un-rebellious they are.
Shane hasn't been much help lately, and in the past few months he's become my confident. But with the side note of his father's death on top of his back to back flights to and from California, he's sort of a lost cause right now. While I want to help him, comfort him in anyway I can, it's hard when he's in Florida, then California, then Florida--and I'm still stuck in NY for a few more weeks.
Like I said, once I've got everything decided, something (or in this case, two somethings) intercepts my otherwise great intentions.
Jack, who I haven't spoken to for quite some time, has taken it upon himself to persuade me not to leave. According to me, we have unfinished business. I, however, was not aware. I thought I had tied up my loose ends, but apparently he slipped through the loop.
"I heard you were leaving."
"I'm graduating early; it's for the best. I don't belong here," I answered.
"What are you running from?"
"Who says I'm running?"
He asked me to have coffee with him, and stupidly, I agreed. It's not that I still don't love him, because in all honesty, much like Anthony, I think I will always love him. He's simply that one boy I won't ever forget, no matter the lengths I should take to try and erase him from my memory.
"I hate to ruin the moment--you know, with you excitement about leaving and all--but you're the one person that makes this place worth coming to," he commented offhandedly.
"I couldn't even begin to understand why."
"I figured you'd say that."
Coffee with Jack reminded me of why I love him. Aside from stunning good-looks and irreplacable chivalry, he's easy to talk to and so utterly relatable. In my four-ish years of knowing him, we've never really gotten to know each other; at least not on a level that counts for anything besides sexual. Perhaps it's his upbringing, though I know deep down it's a sign that if I were to stay, something special could come of that, of him.
Now, I know you're going to assume that I am making a big deal out of nothing, but understand this is just the jist. It isn't everything. If I were to write everything in the specific detail to which it occured, you'd either immediately know who I am, or call the police.
Moving on from Jack, I'd like to state that I haven't spoken to or seen Anthony in at least a month. While I know he's wandering around campus, as Holly has pointedly told me she's given him "rides," I personally find it ridiculous to circle myself again. I'm done with him. I'll say it again.
With Shane, Jack, Anthony, and all of the others combined, wouldn't you love it if I added another into the mix? It's techincally not adding as I've skimmingly mentioned him before.
Thomas, the boy who I completely demolished. For a month, maybe two, we were talking, rather frequently. And I for one was enjoying it. But me, I've always overanalyzed the situation and ruined it with my high standards.
Since I can remember, I've always compared boys to Anthony. They're too corny. They're not as tall, not as muscular. They don't dress like he does. They don't have the money he does. They don't smell like he does, or come on to me like he did. But most of all, they aren't him. They look nothing like him; act nothing like him. And while I know that is absolutely no way to go about anything, especially considering how he treated me, I can't help but do it still to this day. Though the mere fact that I am trying to find a substitute for him should be the least of my worries, I'll never get over the fact that I didn't get him. I think since he turned me down, I've been trying to figure out why.
Somewhere inside, I'm almost sure it's because he isn't the type of guy ready for any sort of relationship other than a one-night-stand. Too bad I can't get that through my thick head.
You'd think I'd be satisfied with having a guy who cared enough about me to call me every night and wish me a good night. Yet, barely a month into it, I was skeptical as always, and began ignoring Thomas' calls. Finally, he got the hint and stopped calling. We barely talked in class, and I ignored him any way I could.
Awkward situations have never been my forte. Not in the slightest.
But now, as of recently, I've climbed the bridge over the awkwardness, and finding that ignoring his calls is one of my biggest mistakes. Though I could give it up to the fact that all of my friends have boyfriends who they so courteously flaunt in my face, and that I want ever so badly to finally have that one guy I can maintain a steady commitment with, I wonder if it's because I really, truely, like him.
Not in the way I like Jack. Or the way I was overwhelminly physically attracted to Anthony. But maybe in a way on a deeper level.
Thomas... is average. In looks. In intelligence. In style. He's basic. But withstanding. And constant. But maybe that's what I need. Maybe, I should settle. Settle for what I can manage. Stop using Anthony as a model for the perfect man, because he is not, by any means, the kind of guy I wish upon any girl.
Except, don't they tell you never settle for the least? Then wouldn't I be doing just that? I guess the real question is, do the pros out weigh the cons?
I know for a fact that if I tried hard enough, I could get back in Thomas' good graces. However, I don't deserve him, not after what I did to him. I know how much he liked me, and I twisted that back and through it at him. After I repeatedly told him I wouldn't. He remembers every detail of our short-term "relationship." The courteous courting dates. The tedious phone calls. The infinite texts begging him to come over and comfort me over a bad day. And even the aftermath, when I'd run into him at school events and he'd completely unawkwardly strike up a conversation with me while I cowered away.
That was a year ago.
And he still remembers.
I'm leaving in a couple of weeks. For good. And Thomas will be nothing but a forgotten memory of a guy I shouldacouldawoulda. Then again, do I have to leave? Internally, I'm chanting yes, but is it really for the best?
Who's to say.
Des
keep you from playing the game..."
I should have known it was coming. My life has never, ever been as unpredictable as it has recently. Yet, I want to kick myself for not noticing; it's so... obvious. Right when I've finally got a plan, a thesis for my future, something always comes in and ruins my intentions, however good and un-rebellious they are.
Shane hasn't been much help lately, and in the past few months he's become my confident. But with the side note of his father's death on top of his back to back flights to and from California, he's sort of a lost cause right now. While I want to help him, comfort him in anyway I can, it's hard when he's in Florida, then California, then Florida--and I'm still stuck in NY for a few more weeks.
Like I said, once I've got everything decided, something (or in this case, two somethings) intercepts my otherwise great intentions.
Jack, who I haven't spoken to for quite some time, has taken it upon himself to persuade me not to leave. According to me, we have unfinished business. I, however, was not aware. I thought I had tied up my loose ends, but apparently he slipped through the loop.
"I heard you were leaving."
"I'm graduating early; it's for the best. I don't belong here," I answered.
"What are you running from?"
"Who says I'm running?"
He asked me to have coffee with him, and stupidly, I agreed. It's not that I still don't love him, because in all honesty, much like Anthony, I think I will always love him. He's simply that one boy I won't ever forget, no matter the lengths I should take to try and erase him from my memory.
"I hate to ruin the moment--you know, with you excitement about leaving and all--but you're the one person that makes this place worth coming to," he commented offhandedly.
"I couldn't even begin to understand why."
"I figured you'd say that."
Coffee with Jack reminded me of why I love him. Aside from stunning good-looks and irreplacable chivalry, he's easy to talk to and so utterly relatable. In my four-ish years of knowing him, we've never really gotten to know each other; at least not on a level that counts for anything besides sexual. Perhaps it's his upbringing, though I know deep down it's a sign that if I were to stay, something special could come of that, of him.
Now, I know you're going to assume that I am making a big deal out of nothing, but understand this is just the jist. It isn't everything. If I were to write everything in the specific detail to which it occured, you'd either immediately know who I am, or call the police.
Moving on from Jack, I'd like to state that I haven't spoken to or seen Anthony in at least a month. While I know he's wandering around campus, as Holly has pointedly told me she's given him "rides," I personally find it ridiculous to circle myself again. I'm done with him. I'll say it again.
With Shane, Jack, Anthony, and all of the others combined, wouldn't you love it if I added another into the mix? It's techincally not adding as I've skimmingly mentioned him before.
Thomas, the boy who I completely demolished. For a month, maybe two, we were talking, rather frequently. And I for one was enjoying it. But me, I've always overanalyzed the situation and ruined it with my high standards.
Since I can remember, I've always compared boys to Anthony. They're too corny. They're not as tall, not as muscular. They don't dress like he does. They don't have the money he does. They don't smell like he does, or come on to me like he did. But most of all, they aren't him. They look nothing like him; act nothing like him. And while I know that is absolutely no way to go about anything, especially considering how he treated me, I can't help but do it still to this day. Though the mere fact that I am trying to find a substitute for him should be the least of my worries, I'll never get over the fact that I didn't get him. I think since he turned me down, I've been trying to figure out why.
Somewhere inside, I'm almost sure it's because he isn't the type of guy ready for any sort of relationship other than a one-night-stand. Too bad I can't get that through my thick head.
You'd think I'd be satisfied with having a guy who cared enough about me to call me every night and wish me a good night. Yet, barely a month into it, I was skeptical as always, and began ignoring Thomas' calls. Finally, he got the hint and stopped calling. We barely talked in class, and I ignored him any way I could.
Awkward situations have never been my forte. Not in the slightest.
But now, as of recently, I've climbed the bridge over the awkwardness, and finding that ignoring his calls is one of my biggest mistakes. Though I could give it up to the fact that all of my friends have boyfriends who they so courteously flaunt in my face, and that I want ever so badly to finally have that one guy I can maintain a steady commitment with, I wonder if it's because I really, truely, like him.
Not in the way I like Jack. Or the way I was overwhelminly physically attracted to Anthony. But maybe in a way on a deeper level.
Thomas... is average. In looks. In intelligence. In style. He's basic. But withstanding. And constant. But maybe that's what I need. Maybe, I should settle. Settle for what I can manage. Stop using Anthony as a model for the perfect man, because he is not, by any means, the kind of guy I wish upon any girl.
Except, don't they tell you never settle for the least? Then wouldn't I be doing just that? I guess the real question is, do the pros out weigh the cons?
I know for a fact that if I tried hard enough, I could get back in Thomas' good graces. However, I don't deserve him, not after what I did to him. I know how much he liked me, and I twisted that back and through it at him. After I repeatedly told him I wouldn't. He remembers every detail of our short-term "relationship." The courteous courting dates. The tedious phone calls. The infinite texts begging him to come over and comfort me over a bad day. And even the aftermath, when I'd run into him at school events and he'd completely unawkwardly strike up a conversation with me while I cowered away.
That was a year ago.
And he still remembers.
I'm leaving in a couple of weeks. For good. And Thomas will be nothing but a forgotten memory of a guy I shouldacouldawoulda. Then again, do I have to leave? Internally, I'm chanting yes, but is it really for the best?
Who's to say.
Des
Friday, January 23, 2009
"Fate determines who enters your life.
Your actions decide who stays..."
March 6th, 2009. My last day of high school.
Lately, I've been having a lot of second guesses. Should I graduate early? I'm only a Junior. Am I even ready to experience the world on my own? Do I want to move out to California with Shane? Can I leave my friends, my family? Is... it... worth... it?
Yes. Yes. I think so. And I hope so.
Everything's finalized--the documents are written up, the lines ready to be signed. All I have to do is take a few exams and I'm done. Done with the beginning of my life. And I haven't even turned seventeen yet! It's scary. I'm scared. But I think I'm ready.
I talked to Shane last night, for the first time in a long time. He didn't have power for the first few nights in CA, and his phone was officially turned on until a couple of days ago. On top of that, he had to et a new cell number to match the Cali area code. Bottom line is, we came to the mutual decision that it would be best if I came out for a few days to see if I liked it. And from there, I'd decide.
I know what will happen though. I really like Shane. Maybe just as a friend, maybe not. But either way, I need to figure out if I can survive by myself without Mommy & Daddy's money. I want to know for sure that I can live on my own, even if I won't really be on my own, I'll still be as far away from everything I know and have grown up with. I want to do this. I need to do this.
That's what I keep telling myself.
Lately, though, to distract myself from the nauseous thoughts of my future, I've been reminiscing the last sixteen years of my life. Or at least the good parts. Reminding myself what I'll miss, what I want to leave, and things I'll never forget. Especially people I won't forget.
Anthony- I'm not going to lie, I'm gonna miss the cracked up son-of-a-bitch. I hope he's happy though. I want him to be happy. I hope him and his girlfriend are happy. But most of all, I hope he fixes himself up; patches up his holes and weathered edges. He deserves to be happy, I think. I'm probably the only one that knows is back story, aside from his good guy friends. And I like to think that he's going to get better. He'll graduate next year, and my biggest fear is that I'll see his name in the obituaries. I think, however, I'm finally at a point where I can honestly say I wouldn't be as sad as I would have been eight months ago. If that makes any sense...
Ryan- Wherever he is, whatever he's doing, whoever he's with; I hope he's okay. It scary knowing that I don't know. He'll be alright, I know him. He's, if anything, a survivor. And he too deserves the best. I haven't heard any news about him lately, as I haven't talked to my mother in weeks. When I went to visit him at the hospital a few days after my relapse, he was gone. And as I am not family, it would be just simply fucking stupid to divulge any information to me. I just hope he's cleaned up his act since the last time I saw him. It would break my heart if he... we won't go there.
Serena/Holly/Bailey- Maybe they'll realize drama isn't going to do anything and rumors will only destroy the little they have left. Ha. I don't plan on keeping in touch as much as I should. I'll still talk to them, but well, I just don't care anymore.
Jack- Who is still a mystery to me, will probably forever plague my mind. It's he who always seems to come back right when I think he won't.
"I'm not gonna lie, I'mma miss you, D."
"Hey, we'll keep in touch. Text me. Maybe you can come visit." Lies. Lies. Lies.
"I feel like we never really got the chance we should have gotten."
"I guess so. It wouldn't have worked out though, Jack."
He winked, grinning slyly. "You never know..."
I can't say where it will go with him.
As for new boys, and new drama. There isn't much. There's Ben, whom I love. He's hilarous and adorable, and undoubtedly crazy. I like that he makes me laugh without trying. But I'm leaving, he's staying, and that's that.
Until... sometime.
Desiree
Your actions decide who stays..."
March 6th, 2009. My last day of high school.
Lately, I've been having a lot of second guesses. Should I graduate early? I'm only a Junior. Am I even ready to experience the world on my own? Do I want to move out to California with Shane? Can I leave my friends, my family? Is... it... worth... it?
Yes. Yes. I think so. And I hope so.
Everything's finalized--the documents are written up, the lines ready to be signed. All I have to do is take a few exams and I'm done. Done with the beginning of my life. And I haven't even turned seventeen yet! It's scary. I'm scared. But I think I'm ready.
I talked to Shane last night, for the first time in a long time. He didn't have power for the first few nights in CA, and his phone was officially turned on until a couple of days ago. On top of that, he had to et a new cell number to match the Cali area code. Bottom line is, we came to the mutual decision that it would be best if I came out for a few days to see if I liked it. And from there, I'd decide.
I know what will happen though. I really like Shane. Maybe just as a friend, maybe not. But either way, I need to figure out if I can survive by myself without Mommy & Daddy's money. I want to know for sure that I can live on my own, even if I won't really be on my own, I'll still be as far away from everything I know and have grown up with. I want to do this. I need to do this.
That's what I keep telling myself.
Lately, though, to distract myself from the nauseous thoughts of my future, I've been reminiscing the last sixteen years of my life. Or at least the good parts. Reminding myself what I'll miss, what I want to leave, and things I'll never forget. Especially people I won't forget.
Anthony- I'm not going to lie, I'm gonna miss the cracked up son-of-a-bitch. I hope he's happy though. I want him to be happy. I hope him and his girlfriend are happy. But most of all, I hope he fixes himself up; patches up his holes and weathered edges. He deserves to be happy, I think. I'm probably the only one that knows is back story, aside from his good guy friends. And I like to think that he's going to get better. He'll graduate next year, and my biggest fear is that I'll see his name in the obituaries. I think, however, I'm finally at a point where I can honestly say I wouldn't be as sad as I would have been eight months ago. If that makes any sense...
Ryan- Wherever he is, whatever he's doing, whoever he's with; I hope he's okay. It scary knowing that I don't know. He'll be alright, I know him. He's, if anything, a survivor. And he too deserves the best. I haven't heard any news about him lately, as I haven't talked to my mother in weeks. When I went to visit him at the hospital a few days after my relapse, he was gone. And as I am not family, it would be just simply fucking stupid to divulge any information to me. I just hope he's cleaned up his act since the last time I saw him. It would break my heart if he... we won't go there.
Serena/Holly/Bailey- Maybe they'll realize drama isn't going to do anything and rumors will only destroy the little they have left. Ha. I don't plan on keeping in touch as much as I should. I'll still talk to them, but well, I just don't care anymore.
Jack- Who is still a mystery to me, will probably forever plague my mind. It's he who always seems to come back right when I think he won't.
"I'm not gonna lie, I'mma miss you, D."
"Hey, we'll keep in touch. Text me. Maybe you can come visit." Lies. Lies. Lies.
"I feel like we never really got the chance we should have gotten."
"I guess so. It wouldn't have worked out though, Jack."
He winked, grinning slyly. "You never know..."
I can't say where it will go with him.
As for new boys, and new drama. There isn't much. There's Ben, whom I love. He's hilarous and adorable, and undoubtedly crazy. I like that he makes me laugh without trying. But I'm leaving, he's staying, and that's that.
Until... sometime.
Desiree
Labels: Anthony, Bailey, Ben, Holly, Jack, Ryan, Serena, Shane
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
"A downhill spiral is what cause the Great Depression..."
As always, life isn't going my way. Recently, my friends have all taken up with their boyfriends or new best friends. And me? Well, I've been neglected, I suppose.
Though part of it is my fault; I've been sheltering myself away from any outing for reasons I don't even understand. I'm trying really hard at well, life. I've been working my ass off to get my grades to my liking and still graduate with honors.
But, with fucking Anthony only feet from my bed, it's hard to sleep. And without sleep, well, there is no functioning, right?
Ah, Anthony. He's been... a totally asshole as usual, though I still seem a tad bit fixated on me. However, I'm in a mental version of Anthony-rehab, and I'm making the attempt to get over what ever it is I think he means to me. There really is no use to discuss anything further involving him, like his new (though not all that new) girlfriend, his pending fight with the guy who told his partially new girlfriend that he cheated on her (which he did, obviously), or his adamant insults on my part.
On the other hand, there's Jack. Me and him? Yeah, we haven't talked since Homecoming night, and shockingly, I'm happy about that. Turns out, he isn't what I thought he was. He's about as innocent as I am, though minus the addicting past. Still wouldn't mind talking to him again... But I'm moving on.
New guys? Oh yes, of course. Two, particularly. One named Shane, the other named... Shane. Though for all intended purposes of unconfusing you to be exact, one will be called Logan.
Shane? Shane is the exact opposite of Anthony. He's polite, his mouth vomits "ma'am" and "sir," and he talks to me like a normal guy, which for me, is hard to come by. He's older, a senior and graduating in the so distant future. Though I have class with him and sometimes hang out with him after. I like being with him. But I know I don't stand a chance. Bringing myself to consciously flirt with him would be purposely burying myself in a hole. He's Anthony's sworn enemy, and while that doesn't seem to matter as much anymore, he's moving. To California no less. Across the fucking country. Just my luck, you know.
Now Logan, he... is absolutely nothing when it comes to future. He's just a kid who likes me and I'm just a girl who likes... testosterone. He's -- different, if that does any justice. Not weird or eerie, but just different from the rest of the assembly line jackasses boarding school produces. Though whatever I do, I am conscious in not doing anything. If that makes any sense.
As for me, well, all of this jumble that you've wasted a life time reading, only adds up to my decision to graduate early and get the HELL out of here. Nothing is going right for me, and I don't expect the tables to turn.
No drugs? Yes, I've abandoned it completely, though fighting the itch is harder than I thought...
No cutting? On occasion, but moderation isn't the worse right?
Alcohol? Oh me? Well, you know... can't give up everything.
Boys? Eliminating them from my life completely.
Girls? Bitches. That's what it comes down to.
I'm devoting my life to school because education is the only thing I have going for me. I've gotten a scholarship offer to a school I actually want to go to. Berkeley. My mother would be proud: if I told her. And, on top of that, Shane and I have already decided that if I go early, and he's already left for the big So-Cal, I'll hit him up and we'll get together, talk things through. I've heard from a friend (you know the line), and his original intentions when giving me his number was to have a future plan for residency. Meaning, in literal terms average people without manners speak, he wants to get an apartment with me.
Things will only get better from now on, that's what I want to focus on. If I hit the books like I plan on, and ace all of my semester exams, I'll graduate before this years even over, and I won't even have finished my junior year.
Let's just hope it works out.
You know it won't. It's me, let's be real.
As always, life isn't going my way. Recently, my friends have all taken up with their boyfriends or new best friends. And me? Well, I've been neglected, I suppose.
Though part of it is my fault; I've been sheltering myself away from any outing for reasons I don't even understand. I'm trying really hard at well, life. I've been working my ass off to get my grades to my liking and still graduate with honors.
But, with fucking Anthony only feet from my bed, it's hard to sleep. And without sleep, well, there is no functioning, right?
Ah, Anthony. He's been... a totally asshole as usual, though I still seem a tad bit fixated on me. However, I'm in a mental version of Anthony-rehab, and I'm making the attempt to get over what ever it is I think he means to me. There really is no use to discuss anything further involving him, like his new (though not all that new) girlfriend, his pending fight with the guy who told his partially new girlfriend that he cheated on her (which he did, obviously), or his adamant insults on my part.
On the other hand, there's Jack. Me and him? Yeah, we haven't talked since Homecoming night, and shockingly, I'm happy about that. Turns out, he isn't what I thought he was. He's about as innocent as I am, though minus the addicting past. Still wouldn't mind talking to him again... But I'm moving on.
New guys? Oh yes, of course. Two, particularly. One named Shane, the other named... Shane. Though for all intended purposes of unconfusing you to be exact, one will be called Logan.
Shane? Shane is the exact opposite of Anthony. He's polite, his mouth vomits "ma'am" and "sir," and he talks to me like a normal guy, which for me, is hard to come by. He's older, a senior and graduating in the so distant future. Though I have class with him and sometimes hang out with him after. I like being with him. But I know I don't stand a chance. Bringing myself to consciously flirt with him would be purposely burying myself in a hole. He's Anthony's sworn enemy, and while that doesn't seem to matter as much anymore, he's moving. To California no less. Across the fucking country. Just my luck, you know.
Now Logan, he... is absolutely nothing when it comes to future. He's just a kid who likes me and I'm just a girl who likes... testosterone. He's -- different, if that does any justice. Not weird or eerie, but just different from the rest of the assembly line jackasses boarding school produces. Though whatever I do, I am conscious in not doing anything. If that makes any sense.
As for me, well, all of this jumble that you've wasted a life time reading, only adds up to my decision to graduate early and get the HELL out of here. Nothing is going right for me, and I don't expect the tables to turn.
No drugs? Yes, I've abandoned it completely, though fighting the itch is harder than I thought...
No cutting? On occasion, but moderation isn't the worse right?
Alcohol? Oh me? Well, you know... can't give up everything.
Boys? Eliminating them from my life completely.
Girls? Bitches. That's what it comes down to.
I'm devoting my life to school because education is the only thing I have going for me. I've gotten a scholarship offer to a school I actually want to go to. Berkeley. My mother would be proud: if I told her. And, on top of that, Shane and I have already decided that if I go early, and he's already left for the big So-Cal, I'll hit him up and we'll get together, talk things through. I've heard from a friend (you know the line), and his original intentions when giving me his number was to have a future plan for residency. Meaning, in literal terms average people without manners speak, he wants to get an apartment with me.
Things will only get better from now on, that's what I want to focus on. If I hit the books like I plan on, and ace all of my semester exams, I'll graduate before this years even over, and I won't even have finished my junior year.
Let's just hope it works out.
You know it won't. It's me, let's be real.