"Sometimes, you need to do what's best for you..."

I...I...I don't even know where to begin. Jack is, bottom line, a complete asshole. I want nothing, forever more, to do with him. Bailey... well, Bailey is on probation right now for an incident I'd really rather not mention. She isn't allowed to speak to me or my new roomate, Shauna. I suppose that's understandable, as it is us that got her in trouble; however it was trouble she willingly walked right into...

Serena and I are slowly repairing the failed patches in our friendship. And I'm so...happy about that. But more importantly, I've found a new friend in Shauna. She's... she's so much like me it should be considered illegal. She has very few cares in the world, but she's smart and we have so many things in common. And that didn't totally sound like a lesbian gushing over her bitch... Regardless, Shauna is someone I can trust. She's drama-less and yet still carefree. She has similar morals as me... and quite frankly, she just doesn't give a shit. But sadly, it's summer, and her family resides in Ohio. So, until a few days before the first semester starts, Shauna's MIA as well.

Which only leaves me with Serena, and Holly too. But...they aren't like me anymore. They're ...snudy? And uptight, and too self-centered. They don't know how to have fun. At least not my kind of fun.

And then there's Ben. God, how I wish...he wasn't so complicated. He's pure perfection with every breath. Words can't even describe, but for the first time I'm put into a position where he...he doesn't care! He doesn't want me like I want him. Which is something so new to me, it's heartbreaking. I don't know what to do to get him. I've already made he first move... and then the second. And then the third. And somewhere in between that, he's only come to me once.

How I wish he was a clingy asshole like the rest. Him and Anthony are certainly a new breed. I've never, however cocky this sounds, come across a man I could not will into my bed. It's strange to finally meet my match. Even with Anthony, his fuck-hole ways soon got to his head, and he always came crawling back for more. But Ben, he's just different. And I hate it, but in reality, it's what makes me like him all that much more.

I said I wouldn't have to come back here, and will out my thoughts. But here I am, barely two months later, already defeated by life. I need a sign, in a time like this. That's what I always look for. Though, I know there won't be one. Ben...he doesn't want me. And no matter how hard I try, they'll always be someone better, in his mind at least.

Even confidence can't win me over. I swear to God... ugh. I want him so bad, and I think knowing I can't have him makes it that much worse. I could write and write about how his dismantled skills keep me up at night, or how I dream the most thorough dreams of being in his arms. And for me, that's a rarity. A never-ity, if you really want to know.

I guess faith is what I need, but after Jack and his epic failureness, i have little left in me to fight.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself to breathe.

Labels: Bailey, Ben, Jack, Serena, Shauna

"Fate determines who enters your life.
Your actions decide who stays..."

March 6th, 2009. My last day of high school.

Lately, I've been having a lot of second guesses. Should I graduate early? I'm only a Junior. Am I even ready to experience the world on my own? Do I want to move out to California with Shane? Can I leave my friends, my family? Is... it... worth... it?

Yes. Yes. I think so. And I hope so.

Everything's finalized--the documents are written up, the lines ready to be signed. All I have to do is take a few exams and I'm done. Done with the beginning of my life. And I haven't even turned seventeen yet! It's scary. I'm scared. But I think I'm ready.

I talked to Shane last night, for the first time in a long time. He didn't have power for the first few nights in CA, and his phone was officially turned on until a couple of days ago. On top of that, he had to et a new cell number to match the Cali area code. Bottom line is, we came to the mutual decision that it would be best if I came out for a few days to see if I liked it. And from there, I'd decide.

I know what will happen though. I really like Shane. Maybe just as a friend, maybe not. But either way, I need to figure out if I can survive by myself without Mommy & Daddy's money. I want to know for sure that I can live on my own, even if I won't really be on my own, I'll still be as far away from everything I know and have grown up with. I want to do this. I need to do this.

That's what I keep telling myself.

Lately, though, to distract myself from the nauseous thoughts of my future, I've been reminiscing the last sixteen years of my life. Or at least the good parts. Reminding myself what I'll miss, what I want to leave, and things I'll never forget. Especially people I won't forget.

Anthony- I'm not going to lie, I'm gonna miss the cracked up son-of-a-bitch. I hope he's happy though. I want him to be happy. I hope him and his girlfriend are happy. But most of all, I hope he fixes himself up; patches up his holes and weathered edges. He deserves to be happy, I think. I'm probably the only one that knows is back story, aside from his good guy friends. And I like to think that he's going to get better. He'll graduate next year, and my biggest fear is that I'll see his name in the obituaries. I think, however, I'm finally at a point where I can honestly say I wouldn't be as sad as I would have been eight months ago. If that makes any sense...

Ryan- Wherever he is, whatever he's doing, whoever he's with; I hope he's okay. It scary knowing that I don't know. He'll be alright, I know him. He's, if anything, a survivor. And he too deserves the best. I haven't heard any news about him lately, as I haven't talked to my mother in weeks. When I went to visit him at the hospital a few days after my relapse, he was gone. And as I am not family, it would be just simply fucking stupid to divulge any information to me. I just hope he's cleaned up his act since the last time I saw him. It would break my heart if he... we won't go there.

Serena/Holly/Bailey- Maybe they'll realize drama isn't going to do anything and rumors will only destroy the little they have left. Ha. I don't plan on keeping in touch as much as I should. I'll still talk to them, but well, I just don't care anymore.

Jack- Who is still a mystery to me, will probably forever plague my mind. It's he who always seems to come back right when I think he won't.

"I'm not gonna lie, I'mma miss you, D."
"Hey, we'll keep in touch. Text me. Maybe you can come visit." Lies. Lies. Lies.
"I feel like we never really got the chance we should have gotten."
"I guess so. It wouldn't have worked out though, Jack."
He winked, grinning slyly. "You never know..."

I can't say where it will go with him.

As for new boys, and new drama. There isn't much. There's Ben, whom I love. He's hilarous and adorable, and undoubtedly crazy. I like that he makes me laugh without trying. But I'm leaving, he's staying, and that's that.

Until... sometime.

Desiree

Labels: Anthony, Bailey, Ben, Holly, Jack, Ryan, Serena, Shane