"The brave may not live forever...
but the cautious do not live at all."
This may sound utterly stupid, in which case it actually is, but I have this feeling inside of me that I'm going to get high before this summer's over... and it hasn't even started. It's that whole Devil/Angel concept, you know? I've got Anthony (devil) on one shoulder, poking at my ear whispering "take 'em! smoke it! drink it!" and on the other side is sweet, yet totally perverted, Jack (angel) who's mumbling "don't do it, just... don't."
You see, it all started when Anthony got high last weekend at our friends' party. At first, we were just hanging out on the couch with some other friends and I didn't even notice he was kind of faltering. After all, I didn't see him swallow anything... pill-like? Plus, since Jr. High, he's pretty much sworn off drugs. (Long story short, he got caught - life got screwed - and he dropped it altogether)
But then he started wobbling, he couldn't stand, and he was falling asleep. Now, for Anthony - especially at a party - that's insane! It's just simply not him. And then yesterday, I saw him at school when we were picking up our caps and gowns. He was sliding down a wall with his head tilted sideways, heading for the pick-up consession. I knew he was blazed immediately.
Lately, he's been doing that a lot. Four times in the last week, and for him, after everything that's happened in his life, it's completely uncalled for. I took him home today because he was stoned and I didn't want him driving...
"How many did you take?"
"Where are you taking me?"
"Let me worry 'bout that..." I stopped, and remember looking over at him, his eyes rolled back in his head. It was a terrible sight. "...Why?"
"'Cause I fucking hate my life, and it... shit happens, D. Learn to let..."
And that's when he passed out. I know what you're thinking. How could this situation make me miss getting smashed? Him, being all blazed and fucked out of his mind - that had nothing to do with the sensation, the feeling. You see, he just merely reminded me what I had and didn't have. He brought why I use to get high from the back of my mind to the front.
The only thing stopping me is Jack. I've been talking to him more lately and he's really what keeps me in check. Poor fool doesn't even know it :) He's a good kid, for the most part. Sure he's been suspended, beat up a few kids, gotten in more trouble then you'd expect, etc. But he's a good kid. He has his moments, but getting smoked with Xanex is definitely not one of them.
I keep thinking... what if something happened to me? What if I couldn't control it and... blahblahblah. I constantly am wondering what would he think if he found out I got together with Anthony and his "supplier", Dion, to pop a few pills? Maybe he wouldn't care...? But I'm 99.999% positive he wouldn't be satisfied. With my fantastic luck he'd stop talking to me completely. I don't know what I'd do.
Fuck.
D
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About Me: Come in; have a seat. And welcome yourself to a world where I'll tell you what I think, what I know, and what I've done; whether I'm proud of it or not. A world where rules, censorship, and children under 13 don't exist. A place where heartbreak, break-ups, and life itself are reality. A world where gossip, biased opinionated rudeness, and all-in-all seriousness are news-worthy. A world I call recognize as divulgAnce.
posted by Desireé at 12:12 AM
Friday, May 16, 2008
"I'm a firm believer that sometimes...
it's right to do the wrong things."
I really don't know what, or rather how, I'm going to explain this to the effect that it will be understandable by people who read this. So, I'm going to start out by telling you that this blog scares the shit out of me. It makes me feel better - letting the truth, the feelings, the honesty come out - but I know (because Life loves to screw the hell out of me) one of these days someone I know that has it out for me will find it, realize it's me, and fuck my life up more than it already is.
But who cares about that? I have shit to say, and I'd like it if you listened.
They're pushing STD/pregnancy prevention at school this week and next. It's all about abstinence and not giving up your 'gift' of virginity. It's a great idea when you think about it, sitting in a health class with a woman teaching you about the consequences of sex and relationships. But when your pinned to a bed with a sexy boy roaming over you, it's utterly impossible to say 'no.' She said you shouldn't put yourself into positions like that... but honestly. It's high school and sex happens. But whether or not that's true, it didn't stop her from making me feel horrible about the things I've done.
The post before this - the Friday night sleepover? - well, that obviously wasn't the first time we've done crazy stuff like that. It was... well, it was actually the third. Summer's coming up, June 4th being our last day at school. Bailey, Serena, and I are driving back that night and we'll be home by the 5th. By then, we've got another wonderful event planned only we're facing the technicalities of parents. I guess that just means we'll be sneaking boys into my house. That's always great...
My only problem with these little orgy-like party-things is that no matter who I'm with... I can't really trust them. Except for Anthony. He did a rather fantastic job at keeping our hook-up on the down low. Sure he told his best friends... but then again, who doesn't? He isn't like Spencer; whom I equate to being a lesser version of Anthony himself.
No, Spencer told everyone. Everyone. Which isn't that much of a big deal: it makes boys envious and girls want to kill me. But you see, I don't want to be a whore. I don't want people to know about my personal life. It's none of their damn business! ...Right? Well, at least I think so.
Bailey and Connor broke up some time back, so no matter how this party turns out, it's going to be awkward. Bailey, who's practicing a 21st century form of abstinence (meaning anything but actual SEX-sex, she'll do) actually said she might be okay with hooking-up with him.
Last time just worked out sensually, and to be honest, I doubt it will ever happen like that again. You never know though, I guess.
Anthony wants me. Maybe not the way I want him to, but he does. Twice this week he begged me for things my mother would never even want to hear about. Ever. I didn't give in though. Someday, I will (not that I already haven't). But for right now, I want to be his friend, not his fuck-buddy.
I really am in over my head. That's fucking fantastic.
<3 D
it's right to do the wrong things."
I really don't know what, or rather how, I'm going to explain this to the effect that it will be understandable by people who read this. So, I'm going to start out by telling you that this blog scares the shit out of me. It makes me feel better - letting the truth, the feelings, the honesty come out - but I know (because Life loves to screw the hell out of me) one of these days someone I know that has it out for me will find it, realize it's me, and fuck my life up more than it already is.
But who cares about that? I have shit to say, and I'd like it if you listened.
They're pushing STD/pregnancy prevention at school this week and next. It's all about abstinence and not giving up your 'gift' of virginity. It's a great idea when you think about it, sitting in a health class with a woman teaching you about the consequences of sex and relationships. But when your pinned to a bed with a sexy boy roaming over you, it's utterly impossible to say 'no.' She said you shouldn't put yourself into positions like that... but honestly. It's high school and sex happens. But whether or not that's true, it didn't stop her from making me feel horrible about the things I've done.
The post before this - the Friday night sleepover? - well, that obviously wasn't the first time we've done crazy stuff like that. It was... well, it was actually the third. Summer's coming up, June 4th being our last day at school. Bailey, Serena, and I are driving back that night and we'll be home by the 5th. By then, we've got another wonderful event planned only we're facing the technicalities of parents. I guess that just means we'll be sneaking boys into my house. That's always great...
My only problem with these little orgy-like party-things is that no matter who I'm with... I can't really trust them. Except for Anthony. He did a rather fantastic job at keeping our hook-up on the down low. Sure he told his best friends... but then again, who doesn't? He isn't like Spencer; whom I equate to being a lesser version of Anthony himself.
No, Spencer told everyone. Everyone. Which isn't that much of a big deal: it makes boys envious and girls want to kill me. But you see, I don't want to be a whore. I don't want people to know about my personal life. It's none of their damn business! ...Right? Well, at least I think so.
Bailey and Connor broke up some time back, so no matter how this party turns out, it's going to be awkward. Bailey, who's practicing a 21st century form of abstinence (meaning anything but actual SEX-sex, she'll do) actually said she might be okay with hooking-up with him.
Last time just worked out sensually, and to be honest, I doubt it will ever happen like that again. You never know though, I guess.
Anthony wants me. Maybe not the way I want him to, but he does. Twice this week he begged me for things my mother would never even want to hear about. Ever. I didn't give in though. Someday, I will (not that I already haven't). But for right now, I want to be his friend, not his fuck-buddy.
I really am in over my head. That's fucking fantastic.
<3 D